


Tower Texts - The Daily Lives of the Avengers

by Hannatude



Category: The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Chillin' in the Tower, Domestic Avengers, Gen, Loki's Kids, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Textfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-03-06 16:08:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3140480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hannatude/pseuds/Hannatude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here you'll find some transcripts of conversations uploaded from the Avengers Tower server for your reading pleasure, as compiled by myself, Hannatude (with help from JARVIS).</p><p>I hope you'll enjoy!</p><p>
  <b>Click <a href="http://www.poll-maker.com/poll383222xCBDaC593-15">HERE</a> for the chapter 19 tie-in poll!</b>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. System Initiation, The Rating of the Asses, and Chinese Takeout

* * *

  
Hey howdy hey, fellow superpeople (and Barton). This is a mass text: help I'm trapped in a-Ouch!   
  
_Dummy, you are the reason we can't have nice things. Well, you and Victor Von Doom, but that's beside the poin- No, I don't want a smoothie; Go away, you're a menace._

 _Oh, for-!_  
  
See what you did, Dummy? You ruined the thing.  
  
You know what? [censored]it - oh, right, the auto-censor function (patent pending). It's not because I respect Cap and his old fashion sensibilities and [censored] - Pepper's got a swear jar. Only, instead of money, she charges me work hours. Like, seriously, I'm up to, like, 50 [censored] days worth.  
  
No me gusta.  
  
Soooooooo back to the task at hand - JARVIS has hopefully shown you around, hope you enjoyed the tour and all of that [censor]. I need you to ping me back when you get the chance, so that I know the in-tower StarkomServer (patent pending) is functional. You can either use the direct interface or just dictate to JARVIS.  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
...Why am I not a super person? I have the same amount of super powers as you do (which is ZERO, btw) so... What gives?  
 **\- Barton**

  
  
What gives is that ONE; I am the fourth - arguments have been made for fifth - most intelligent man on the planet, and, as EVERYONE knows, knowledge is power.  
TWO; I have a suit. It's a super suit. It can fly, and shoot repulsor beams, and do all sort of other really neat [censored].  
TL;DR: Screw you, I'm Iron Man.  
 **\- Stark**

  
...That's basically the same as saying Professor Xavier's a superhero because he's got a levitating wheelchair.  
 **\- Barton**

  
Don't be a dumbass, Barton - Xavier's a superhero because he can read minds.  
DUH.  
 **\- Stark**

  
That censor program didn't last very long, did it, Stark?  
 **\- Rogers**

  
A brilliant man once said, " _The first condition of progress is the removal of censorship._ " and I agree entirely.  
 **\- Stark**

  
George Bernard Shaw!  
I remember reading his book, Pygmalion, and I really liked it. It was a movie, too - I didn't see it, though.  
 **\- Rogers**

  
_♫I could have danced all night, I could have danced all night, and still have danced, some more...♫_   
**\- Barton**

  
...You have hidden depths, don't you, Barton?  
 **\- Stark**

  
You'd be amazed at the things you put yourself through for authenticity of a cover.  
 **\- Barton**

  
Pssh, лгун.  
 **\- Romanoff**

Этоправда!  
 **\- Barton**

  
Oh, hey, Cyrillic. I did not know I programmed the interfaces with that.  
 **\- Stark**

  
 _You_ didn't.  
 **\- Romanoff**

  
Hey, Stark, you got a translate app? Because there is no way in hell I can type that stuff into Google translate phonetically. I don't even wanna try, it's all like growling and hissing and shit. Like, what the hell is even happening in their throats?  
 **\- [UNKNOWN USER]**

  
...Who let Darcy in?  
 **\- Barton**

  
Who- oh. _Her._  
This was _supposed_ to be an Avengers only channel...

Well, whatever.  
JARVIS, add Jane's assistant girl to the list, would you?  
 **\- Stark**

  
Excuse you Stark,but I - OH HOLY TUMBLR, THOR, WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?!  
No, don't talk, just - pants.

Jane had better appreciate the hell outta this - if he belonged to anyone else, I'd be oogling dat ass so hard...  
I actually oogled it anyway, TBH. So hawt.  
 **\- Lewis**

  
  
Okay, wow, that was entirely too much information, thanks for that.  
 **\- Barton**

  
You're just uncomfortable with the fact that your ass is the _least fabulous_ ass of the entire team.  
Like, the Hulk's ass is better than your ass, Barton.  
 **\- Stark**

  
Umm... Thanks, I guess..?  
 **\- Banner**

  
I speak the truth, Science Bro.  
It's a tie for first between Cap and Thor, followed by myself, then you and the Big Guy, and then it's Mister Tinytush McArrowpants.  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
The fact that you rated our asses is creeping me out more than a little bit, Stark. And also, Cap's not first, Tasha is.  
 **\- Barton**

  
  
It wasn't me, it was the internet.  
 **\- Stark**

  
Oh well then _of course_ my ass was ranked last, there were hardly any stills of me available for review!  
I'm calling bullshit.  
 **\- Barton**

  
Don't worry, любимый, it's still a nice ass.  
 **\- Romanoff**

  
You're just saying that because I rated yours number one.  
 **\- Barton**

  
No, I'm saying that because I'm your partner, and, as such, I've been watching your ass for years.  
Believe me when I say it's not the most unattractive ass I've ever seen.  
 **\- Romanoff**

  
Whoa, slow down there, Tasha, you know the rules: you gotta buy me dinner first.  
 **\- Barton  
**  
  
I'm quite certain that my having to remove shrapnel from your ass in shitty motels multiple times over the course of our relationship allows me the right to do whatever I want to your body, Clinton.  
 **\- Romanoff**  
  
  
...This is true. Mi ass-a es su ass-a.  
 **\- Barton**    


I leave the room for five minutes and I come back to you guys talking about your backsides.  
 **\- Rogers**

  
  
Welcome to the 21st century, Cap. Check your sanity at the door.  
 **\- Lewis**

  
You might wanna check your morals, too - less chance of hurt feelings that way.  
 **\- Stark**

  
Tony, what did we say about respecting others?  
 **\- Banner**

  
Sheesh, sorry, _Mom_.  
 **-Stark**

  
  
...Why are you even typing back and forth when you guys are _literally_ across the room from each other?  
 **\- Barton**

  
Because this is more efficient, _obviously_.  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
The food's here, by the way. I brought it up from the lobby and put it in the main kitchen.  
 **\- Rogers**

  
THAT IS WONDERFUL NEWS, FRIEND ROGERS! TELL ME, ARE THERE POPPING TARTS?!  
 **\- Thor**

  
(He's talking - loudly - to the tv, and it's kinda adorbs. And loud.)  
 **\- Lewis**

  
Uh, no, it's... Some sort of Asian food. There's rice, though, and...  
Oh, wow, these fried dumplings smell _really_ good.  
 **\- Rogers**

  
Don't touch anything, Bruce and I are on our way up.  
 **\- Stark**

  
Screw you, Stark, I already called dibs on the honey glazed chicken.  
 **\- Barton**

  
I've requisitioned the coconut shrimp.  
 **\- Romanoff**

  
THIS PORK IS DELIGHTFUL!  
 **\- Thor**

  
I have no idea what this is, but it is delicious, and it is _MINE_.  
 **\- Lewis**

  
Seriously?! Where's the love, people? I'm _hurt_ , guys, I-  
WAIT, DUMMY, NO, I'M NOT _ACTUALLY_ HURT DAMMIT DUMMY ENOUGH DUMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY  
 **\- Stark**

* * *

 


	2. Midnight Musings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir, upon hearing Doctor Banner solve equations in his sleep, decided to record the somniloquent musings of his team mates, some of which were highly amusing. -JARVIS

* * *

  
_Doctor Banner, when not solving complex maths equations, will sometimes make pop culture references in his sleep. He has also shown the propensity to respond when Sir prompts him with a movie line or plays a song._

 

  * "...Thanks for all the fish."
  * "...ROUSes... don't exist."
  * "...I love you... Everything burrito..."  

  * "Hop little plumber... Hop, hop, hop."  

  * ["Bruce... Where is the Rebel Base?"]  
"Dantooine. They're on Dantooine."  

  * [Sir begins playing [{this song}](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)]  
"...Tonyyyyyyy..."



 

* * *

 

_Here are a sample of some of Agent Barton's rather... Unusual utterances:_

  * "Okay... This looks bad."  

  * "No more spandex."  

  * "Dammit Stark, don't give Lucky whiskey; he's a service dog!"  

  * "Why would you do this to me, Whedon?"  

  * "Tasha, Почему ваши ноги , как Оймякон?"  
(Russian: "Tasha, why are your feet like Oymyakon?")
  * "Because... Boomerangs."  

  * "Ваши ноги зуд."   
(Russian: "Your legs itch")
  * "Dammit Peach, just stay in the damn castle!"



_Note: Agent Barton suffers from nightmares when_ **[REDACTED]** _. During these episodes he will call out for_ **[REDACTED]** _._

**[See[Addendum 1](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3140480/chapters/6831833) for details]**

* * *

_  
Agent Romanoff_ **[CONTENTS REDACTED]**.

 

* * *

 

_Captain Rogers will murmur about/to his lost friends, particularly on cold nights._   
  


* * *

 

_Thor exclaims (quite loudly) in what is assumed to be his native tongue._   
_He has also berated his brother in a mixture of Asgardian and English._

  * "Loki, your **[UNTRANSLATABLE, POSSIBLY "SPAWN" OR "WHELP"]** has once again eaten my leather bracers!"
  * "Loki, remove your **[UNTRANSLATABLE, POSSIBLY "SERPENT"]** from my chair."
  * "Loki, why are the maids screaming this time?"
  * "No more horses, Loki."



* * *

  
_Proving to be the most obscure and downright ODD, however, are the midnight mutterings of Miss Lewis._

  * "I am the queen, this is my castle. Now give me the muffins."  

  * "She is a parakeet, you are a fish, your relationship is doomed and it's not going to work out well."
  * "Barbie you are such a whore."  

  * "...That's not Candy Mountain Charlie, nooo..."  

  * "You are not my uncle, you are a toaster."


  * "Jello... Pudding... Pops."  

  * "NO MORE LONG DIVISION!"  

  * "...Me'n NyanThor r'gunna ride Myew-Myew through spaaaace..."  




**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right, I Rick Roll'd you with a fanfic. 


	3. Midnight Musings - Agent Barton, Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint wakes up from a nightmare and is unable to fall back to sleep, so JARVIS suggests he talk about what's bothering him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally intended for this chapter to be a continuation of things the Avengers say in their sleep, but then Clint and I accidentally angsted all over the place.

 

**2:25 AM, [REDACTED] 2013**   
**Subject: Barton, Clinton Francis**   
**[Avengers Initiative Designation: "Hawkeye"]**

  * ****Secondary Subject: canine companion/service dog, designation: "Lucky"****



**Subject status: REM sleep**   


 

s...on...

  
  
**Observation: Subject's heart rate and state of distress suggest subject is beginning to experience a panic attack**

  
  
co...son...

 

**Observation: Subject "Lucky" unable to awaken Subject "Hawkeye". Outside intervention may be necessary.**

  
...COULSON..!

**  
Subject Status: Awake, Agitated**

  
  
Half....Half lights, Jar'is.

  
  
**Room lights engaged at 50%**   


  
  
_Agent Barton, you were having a nightmare. Do you require one of your teammates?_

  
[unintelligible mumbling]  


**Subject "Hawkeye" has inserted his hearing aids; repeat inquiry**   
  
  
**Subject "Lucky" has initiated calming technique -- > "cuddle"**   
  
  
  
_Agent Barton, do you require one of your team-_

  
  
No, Jar'is, I'm... Let 'em sleep, m'kay? It was a rough day, s'all. Juss... Wha' time s'it?

  
  
_It is 2:27 AM. Will you be going down to the gym to shoot?_

  
  
No... I'm tired.... M'brain juss won't... shut up.  


**Observation: Subject "Hawkeye" has begun to "pet" Subject "Lucky". Both Subjects have appeared to have calmed down significantly; outside intervention not required.**   
  
  
_Sir often complains of a similar phenomenon._

  
  
Heh... He would.  
So, uh.... What's he-  
[yawning]  
What's he do to shut it up? Besides downing a bottle of scotch, I mean.

  
_He'll work until his body can no longer function without sleep, at which point he collapses from exhaustion._

  
  
Hah, yeah, that's... Prob'ly not the best idea.

  
  
_You could try speaking your thoughts aloud - perhaps it will help you work through them and allow you to sleep._

  
  
  
...You tryin' to play psychologist with me, Jarvis?

  
  
_I live to serve, Agent Barton. If it helps you sleep, then I am more than willing to assist you in that capacity._

  
  
...Might as well kill two birds with one stone, huh?

  
  
  
_Only If you feel comfortable doing so, Agent Barton. If you would rather I not listen in, I will turn off my audio sensors and give you privacy._

  
  
No, It's... S'cool. I trust you waaay more than any of the SHIELD headshrinks that douchenozzle Sitwell keeps shoving at me.

I just... Dunno where to start, is all. I mean, there's a lot of crap up here...

  
  
  
_...Might I suggest you begin with Agent Coulson?_

  
  
Phil?

  
_  
Yes. You awoke after calling out his name._

  
  
Figures.  
[heavy sigh]

  
_Agent Barton, please do not feel as though you have to discuss anything with me-_

  
I said it was fine, Jarvis, sheesh, calm down.  
Phil is - was...  
  
He was more'n my handler. He...

He rescued me. He taught me that it's okay to trust people - that it's okay to let people take care of you for the hell of it, because they legitimately care about you and that not everybody wants to use you... Stuff like that.  
He gave me a reason to follow his orders - he worked with me, instead expecting me to work for him.

He was... Kinda like the dad I always wanted as a kid, ya know? Sounds stupid, but...

  
  
_Agent Coulson was a very caring individual._

  
Yeah. He was. I remember this one time, in the very beginning...  
It was the end of a week full of tedious and gruelling training sessions. Anyway, we finish the final session and this guy, Garrett - he was a friend of Phil's from way back, I guess - he says to Phil, "hey, why don't you give the kid your paperwork and grab a couple'a beers with me, like old times?" Phil looks at me, looks at him, and says, "sorry, but you know how much I love filling out paperwork."  
  
And then he took MY paperwork and sent me to bed.

He just... He was always doing that. Putting me first.

  
  
_..._   


I know that... I know that his death wasn't technically my fault. I... I saw the footage - watched it over and over again, until Tash had it deleted - and, in my head, I know it's not my fault.  
But...

I feel like I let him down. By being weak, by being susceptible, I dunno. I just...  
When I was fighting, my first thought was, "if I take down Loki, maybe it'll help atone for what he made me do."

  
_And your second thought?_

  
...It's stupid.

  
  
_It isn't._   


..."Phil will make it better."

Because that's what he did - he made things better. He... He knew just what to say or do. Like, he knew me better than I even knew myself.  
Which sounds clichéd and corny, but it's true.  
He just... he knew what my limits were - knew my triggers, my reactions... Everything. Nat's like that, too, but she's...  
She's not Phil.

...

God, I miss him.

  
_As do I, Agent Barton. As do I._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Lucky and Clint**
> 
> I haven't read many of the Hawkeye comics, as I'm more of a manga girl (ironic, since I cut my comic-lovin' eye teeth on X-Men) but I do love me some [Pizza Dog](http://marvel.wikia.com/Lucky_\(Earth-616\)). 
> 
> **My headcanon is that Lucky was a "gift" from Phil after a mission went bad and Clint sustained permanent hearing loss. I say "gift" because he's a trained Hearing Dog, so he's more than just a pet, he's also a partner. He's been a lot of help since Phil's "death", (shh) too.**


	4. Hulkouts and Hatmaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce and Tony discuss Hulk-related things, and then Darcy has a hat making party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Making up for the Clint feels I threw at you guys... Don't expect me to make daily updates a thing, though, okay? I'm leaving for vacation in Orlando in a few days, so I'm... stocking up..? I dunno. I'm out of it. Whatever. 

* * *

  
Bruce.  
\- **Stark**

BRUCE.  
\- **Stark**

BRUUUUUUUUUCE!  
\- **Stark**

  
C'mon, Science Bro, talk to me.  
\- **Stark**

  
I think I should leave - It's too dangerous for me to stay here.  
\- **Banner**

  
Oh, c'mon, it wasn't _that_ bad!  
- **Stark**

  
I HULKED OUT AND DESTROYED HALF OF THE R &D LEVEL, TONY!  
\- **Banner**

  
Eh, the procrastinating little shitheads had it coming.  
\- **Stark**  


I COULD HAVE KILLED PEOPLE!  
\- **Banner**  


They weren't in the lab, it was lunchtime, and, may I reiterate: _R &D = shitheads_.  
I have half a mind to fire _all_ of their asses and start over.  
\- **Stark**

  
Hey - sorry not sorry to interrupt, but can I host a party?  
\- **Lewis**

  
How did... This is a private channel, why are you here?  
\- **Stark**

  
I had a question and I know you'd ignore me otherwise.  
So... I can has party?  
\- **Lewis**

  
What? Fine, whatever. Look, I'm trying to deal with Science Bro's issues here, so go'way now.  
\- **Stark**

  
[CURRENT CHANNEL STATUS: INVITATION ONLY]  


Tony, I appreciate your efforts - I really do. It's just... I'm not safe to be around, okay?  
\- **Banner**  


Look, I'll be honest with you - I know you're scared of yourself. I get that. I know you're afraid you're gonna snap and people will get hurt. I GET it, Bruce.  
\- **Stark**

  
You really don't, though.  
\- **Banner**  


I wouldn't be so sure of that, Science Bro. I mean, yeah, I don't turn into a big green badass, but I've done my fair share of killing.  
"Merchant of Death", remember?  
My work - my legacy - is the reason I've got this thing in my chest, keepin' shrapnel from killing me.  
But instead of running away from my past - my mistakes - I faced 'em. I turned this- the reactor - into something good. To try to make up for all the bad, sure, but also because... It keeps me alive... Something that keeps you alive isn't bad, ya know?  
And if I can use it to keep other people alive, then I'm gonna do my damndest to save as many people as I can.  
Even if it means I gotta, ya know... Disappoint some people and shit.  
\- **Stark**  


...Are you comparing my destroying an _entire research laboratory_ with Pepper making you sleep on the couch because you didn't call her like you promised?  
\- **Banner**

  
...Is that all you got out of that?! What the hell, man, I poured my Starkonium-powered heart into that speech!  
\- **Stark**  


...You're kind of an asshole, Tony.  
But you do sort of have a point. A vague and patently self-centred point, but a point nonetheless.  
\- **Banner**  


Aww, you love it and we both know you do.  
Besides, [Bro Code Rule Numero Dos](http://www.brocode.org/10/) forbids you from leaving.  
- **Stark**

  
You know, I've always wondered if there was an actual "Bro Code", or if it was just a dumb jock thing.  
- **Lewis**

  
You shut your whore mouth, Lewis, the Bro Code is a sacred, sacred thing, and it deserves your respect.  
\- **Barton**

  
HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS, LEWIS?!  
\- **Stark**

  
Asked JARVIS to invite me to the channel. Figured that since the bro-angst was winding down I'd ask if you guys wanna come to my party.  
\- **Lewis**

  
What kind of party?  
\- **Barton**  
  
  
Okay, and how are _you on_ here, Legolas?  
\- **Stark**

  
Darcy invited me, duh.   
And again, I inquire - what kind of party?  
- **Barton**  
  
  
It's a "Make A Hat Day" party.  
- **Lewis**

  
What.  
\- **Stark**

What?  
- **Banner**

What!  
\- **Barton**

  
HAHAHA You guys are... Wow.  
Apparently it's "Make A Hat" day - as in, it's a legit holiday; September 15 - National "Make a Hat Day".  
I'm not making this up, but I decided we totes need to celebrate, because HATS.  
\- **Lewis**

  
I know you've got at least eight or nine beanies - do you really need ANOTHER hat?  
\- **Banner**

  
Hell yes! There is no such thing as 'too many hats'!  
\- **Lewis**

  
Those ugly, floppy knit things are not hats, Lewis.  
\- **Stark**  


I made some of those "ugly, floppy knit things", Tony.  
\- **Banner**

  
_Awkwaaaard_  
\- **Barton**

  
  
If you're too manly to knit or crochet, Tony, I'm sure Steve wouldn't mind if you joined him and made some flower crowns.  
\- **Lewis**  


Oh, yeah, that's MUCH manlier than knitting!  
\- **Stark**  


Thor's enjoying it.  
\- **Romanoff**

  
Dammit, Point Break!  
\- **Stark**

  
I need your hands, Дорогая.  
\- **Romanoff**

  
On my way, Любимая.  
- **Barton**

  
SUBTITLES PLEASE.  
\- **Lewis**

  
Uh, "dear" and... "sweetheart", I think. But my Russian's a bit rusty.  
\- **Rogers**

  
  
Nah, you're right on the money, Cap. You learn Russian during the war?  
- **Barton**

  
I learned bits and pieces of a lot of languages... St- some folks figured it was so easy for me because of the serum, but I always loved learning, so...  
\- **Rogers**

  
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT CLINT AND TASHA CALL EACH OTHER ADORABLE RUSSIAN PET NAMES?!  
\- **Lewis**

  
Can we talk about your unnecessary usage of caps lock?!  
\- **Stark**

  
CAN YOU PLEASE COME UP TO THE COMMON ROOM TO JOIN ME IN THE CREATION OF DELIGHTFUL SILK FLORAL HEADGEAR?! THE FLOWERS ARE NOT REAL, SO MY JANE WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO FITS OF SNEEZING!  
\- **Thor**

  
Yeah, buddy, keep your cape on, we'll head up in a minute.  
\- **Stark**

  
I AM NOT CURRENTLY WEARING MY CAPE - SHOULD I BE? IS IT NECESSARY FOR THE FESTIVITIES? I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT IT WAS A "CASUAL DAY".  
\- **Thor**

  
Don't even worry about it, Point Break. Don't even worry about it.  
\- **Stark**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tasha's hat: 
> 
> [](http://www.storenvy.com/products/1983369-black-widow-beret-hat)
> 
> Clint's hat (that Tasha made): 
> 
> [ ](http://sutherland-studios.com.au/free/archeryhat.php)


	5. Netflix, Star Trek, and Bean Bags

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY DO I KEEP WRITING THIS I SAID I WASN'T GOING TO DO DAILY UPDATES 

* * *

 

Okay, who used my Netflix to watch pornography?  
\- **Rogers**

  
I warned you about logging out, Steve.  
\- **Lewis**

  
I DID log out, though! And I changed my password (AGAIN), so that means that whoever did it had to hack my account (AGAIN) in order to do so.  
\- **Rogers**

  
Look at you with your modern lingo - I'm so proud!  
#growingup  
\- **Stark**

BTW, it wasn't me this time.  
\- **Stark**

  
#assholeStark #fullofshit  
\- **Rogers**

  
Whu  
\- **Stark**

  
I'm 29 years old, Tony - why is it so surprising that I took a shine to technology?  
#getoverit #OldManStark  
\- **Rogers**

  
That sentence was a study in contradictions.  
\- **Stark**

  
Yeah, yeah, Netflix hacker. You do realise you're just digging your grave with every word, right?  
\- **Rogers**

  
I swear on the suit that I did not hack your Netflix account to watch porn, Steve. Cross my heart and swear onna stack of comics, I'm innocent.  
\- **Stark**

  
You're the only logical suspect.  
\- **Rogers**

  
...Not sure if I'm hurt or honoured by that, Cap.  
\- **Stark**

  
"Ninja Cheerleaders", Tony.  
\- **Rogers**

  
Oh, that's not actually a porno. George Takei is in it.  
\- **Barton**

  
Ohh myyyy...  
\- **Stark**  
  
  
YOU hacked my Netflix?!  
\- **Rogers**

  
Nah, you didn't log out after you and Tasha watched that documentary on the Cold War last week.  
And I couldn't sleep last night, and decided to watch something.  
\- **Barton**

  
Lemme guess... "Cover authenticity"?  
\- **Stark**

  
...You know how you can get lost on the internet by clicking random-ass links? Turns out you can do the same thing with actors on Netflix.  
- **Barton**

  
Preach it, Brother Hawk.  
\- **Lewis**

  
...That explains why it kept skipping around the seasons of Star Trek.  
\- **Rogers**

  
Kirk or Picard?  
\- **Banner**

  
Haha, his Trekkie senses were tingling.  
\- **Stark**

  
You want to have a TOS marathon, Bruce?  
\- **Rogers**

  
I actually prefer TNG, but I'm up for a night of the classics.  
\- **Banner**

  
Is it just me, or does Picard look like Professor Xavier?  
\- **Barton**  
  
  
OMG I KNOW, RIGHT?!   
- **Lewis**  
  
  
  
Hey now, if we're gonna do this thing, we need to do it right. I'll calibrate the sound system for optimum scifi-age.  
\- **Stark**

  
I'll order the pizza.  
\- **Romanoff**  
  
  
HELL YES, AVENGERS MOVIE NIGHT! I CALL THE BEANBAG CHAIRS  
\- **Barton**

  
Dammit Clint, not again!  
\- **Lewis**

  
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER, BITCHEEEEEEEEEEES!  
\- **Barton**

  
HOLY SHIT BARTON, WHAT THE HELL YOU EXPLODED THE BEANBAGS  
\- **Lewis**

  
ow  
\- **Barton**

  
What have I said about divebombing from the air vents, Clint?  
\- **Romanoff**

  
  
Tasha, there are polystyrene pellets attempting to invade my orifices. I have learned my lesson for today, please do not give me that look.  
\- **Barton**

 

  
LADY NATASHA MENTIONED PIZZA... WHAT ARE THESE STRANGE WHITE ORBS, AND WHY ARE THEY CLINGING TO EVERYTHING?  
\- **Thor**

  
  
Up until thirty seconds ago, they WERE the beanbag chairs. But then Hawkass decided to make a nest and he exploded them.  
\- **Lewis**

  
  
...SO THEY ARE THE SPORES OF THE CHAIR BEANS?  
\- **Thor**

  
  
...I... I can't even.  
\- **Lewis**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **LUCKY, NO**


	6. Fire Safety Speeches, Team Avatar Alligences, and Waffles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this late at night on the 12th of January after going through my Omegle roleplay transcripts and finding an Avengers/Avatar crossover chat where Tony was a firebender. 
> 
> Which is really ironic, considering the fact that my house burned down the next day. I debated scrapping this chapter and writing something else, but I just love the whole premise of the thing and decided to go with it. 

* * *

  
  
Well, THAT was an unmitigated disaster.  
 **\- Rogers**

  
I think your interface is effed up, Cap - it wrote "disaster" when you quite obviously said "success".  
 **\- Stark**

  
No, it understood me; you, on the other hand, didn't. Specifically when I told you NOT to engage in a "practical demonstration" with Barton.  
 **\- Rogers**

  
Sheesh Cap, just because he's deaf doesn't mean you gotta shout at him.  
No offense, Birdy Buddy.  
 **\- Stark**

  
asdjoigriajgirhjo  
 **\- Barton**

  
...Are you fangirling over my absolutely stellar teaching methods, or is your interface on the fritz, too?  
 **\- Stark**

  
Stell- YOU BURNED DOWN AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, STARK!  
 **\- Rogers**

  
It was a crappy school - did you SEE the gymnasium?! The equipment probably hadn't been upgraded since YOU were a kid! And don't even get me started on the "computer lab" - WINDOWS 98, Rogers! THEY WERE USING WINDOWS 98 FOR GOD'S SAKES!  
It was our duty as heroes to rid the world of that... facility.  
I knew it, Barton knew it - and deep down, you know it, too.  
Besides, the children were squealing with glee at the prospect at not having to go back to that "center of learning".  
 **\- Stark**

 

...Huh. Maybe my interface IS malfunctioning - because I swear those "squeals of glee" sounded a hell of a lot more like "abject screams of terror".  
 **\- Rogers**

  
They didn't start screaming until Big Green showed up and started kicking flaming debris everywhere. No offense, Science Bro.  
 **\- Stark**

  
He said to tell you he's ignoring you until he gets pants, at which point he is going to go back to the tower to key your suits in a fit of passive aggressive angst.  
 **\- Romanoff**

  
...Okay, tell him that I'm sorry that he had to get involved, and that tomorrow I'll go to Richards on my hands and knees for the formulae for the super stretchy polymer even though I hate Richards with a passion.  
 **\- Stark**

  
asdfghotkrhzlxlbjnaeti  
 **\- Barton**

  
...And whatever Turkeyfeathers said.  
Unless it wasn't, ya know - related to the conversation at hand.  
Can someone herd our auditorily impaired teammate over here so I can fix his interface?  
 **-Stark**

  
He said "you got along with him at the mixer last month."  
 **\- Romanoff**

  
That... That was because we were both drunk.  
Like, _Suuuuper_ inebriated.  
Now get over here already; the thought of my PROTOTYPE tech being buggy gives me hives.  
I'm not even kidding, man, I'm breaking out in hives under this rather fabulously designed neoprene suit.

But seriously though, Barton - you know how I work: I love everyone when I'm drunk.

Except Justin Hammer, because he's an asshole.  
 **-Stark**

  
awfjgbvhu;rua  
 **\- Barton**

  
He says "So are you".  
 **\- Romanoff**  


Hey; better an asshole than a dumbass- like a certain bow touting birdman we all know and tolerate.  
 **\- Stark**

  
adfghjjgnkrsngb  
 **\- Barton**

  
Dammit Barton, just get your feathery ass over here and let me fix your interface already!!  
 **\- Stark**

  
sdfghjtrdgbsv  
....  
....  
Thanks.  
 **\- Barton**

  
Welcome back, Fire Bird.  
 **\- Stark**

  
Good to be back, Cherry Bomber. Dunno why it wasn't working - it was fine one second, and the next, major missfire. The glasses worked fine, I was getting subtitles, but I couldn't hear anything on the com - thought I'd lost my hearing aids for a sec and kinda freaked out. Like... "Accidentally shot the accelerant arrow at the fire extinguisher and blew it up" freaked out.  
 **\- Barton**

  
Sorry 'bout that, man - hate for you to get all fired up over nothing. But you like the glasses, though, right? You dig the new improvements?  
 **\- Stark**

  
Oh, hell yeah! The new lens filters are WAY better than the shit SHIELD had, by far. And I love the "running commentary" feature - although it'll be a bit distracting if I'm ever in the line of fire, ya know?  
 **\- Barton**

  
Shit, I knew I forgot something - there's a toggle switch for that on the left temple. I was gonna tell you, but...   
Everything changed when the fire safety speech attacked.  
 **\- Stark**

  
Oo, if we're playing Avatar, I call dibs on being Sokka!  
 **\- Barton**

  
What? Nooo, I'm Sokka! You're... Toph. Hot-headed, sarcastic, able to tell when someone's lying using mysterious methods...  
 **\- Stark**

  
Oh, now you're playing with fire, Stark - making the disabled guy play the disabled character. For shame.  
Besides - Tash already called Toph. She's a big fan.  
 **\- Barton**

  
It's true - Toph Beifong is my spirit animal.  
 **\- Romanoff**  
  
  
  
...Okay, seriously, wow, was not expecting that. I figured she'd be all, "cartoons are for children" or something.  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
Seriously, Stark? She wears her Team Beifong t-shirt _at least_ once a week, and just yesterday she was walking around the Tower in a Studio Ghibli hoodie.  
 **\- Barton**  
  
  
I'm Toph, Clint's Sokka, Steve's Aang, Bruce is Katara, and you're Zuko. For _obvious_ reasons.  
 **\- Romanoff**

  
Ugh, fiiiiiiine...  
Well, then I guess I should practice my firebending.  
Honor! Honor honor honor hon-  
 **\- Stark**

  
Stark, so help me; if you do not put that flamethrower away _right now_ , I will call Miss Potts.  
 **\- Rogers**  
  
  
It's the Avatar!   
Time to regain my honor-  
 **\- Stark**  
  
  
Do not test me, Stark, I have had it up to here with your shenanigans.  
 **\- Rogers**

 

HONOR- Oops.  
 **\- Stark**  
  
  
DAMMIT STARK!  
 **\- Rogers**  
  
  
Twenty on Pepper couchin' Stark for a week.  
 **\- Barton**  
  
  
Double on both and you're on.  
 **\- Romanoff**  
  
  
Sweet. Well... Looks like Cap and Stark have this under control. Whaddya say we head back to the Tower, make breakfast for dinner, and have a Miyazaki-thon?  
 **\- Barton**  
  
  
I want blini.  
 **\- Romanoff**  
  
  
OH! I CAN USE MY NEW WAFFLE IRON!  
 **\- Stark**  
  
  
I've had JARVIS seal the Tower against you, Tony. You are not allowed to come back until the fire is put out.   
 **\- Pepper Potts**  
  
  
But Pepperrrr..!  
 **\- Stark  
**

No, Tony. You made this mess, you're damn well going to clean it up.  
 **\- Pepper Potts**  
  


pffftttt!  
 **\- Barton**  
  
  
I can hear you laughing, Hawkass, and I have only one thing to say: may all your bacon burn.  
 **\- Stark**  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Tower Texts' Drinking Game: Take a shot for every corny fire-based statement made by Tony and Clint. XD 
> 
> Tasha's T-shirt: 
> 
> [](http://www.redbubble.com/people/cyycyy/works/9251262-beifong-metalbending-academy-v2?p=t-shirt)
> 
> Tasha's Hoodie: 
> 
> Tony's Waffle Iron:
> 
> [ ](http://yupthatexists.com/post/106545172270/keyboard-shaped-waffle-maker-havent-you-always)


	7. Mechas and Banter and Newbies

* * *

  
  
I'm in Queens with a friend and we're at a restaurant and suddenly this mecha shows up. Did Tony happen to "misplace" a prototype again?  
 **\- Lewis**

  
THAT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE, DAMMIT!  
 **-Stark**

  
... _Could_ it be one of yours?  
 **\- Barton**

  
Uhhhmmm...Lemme go check.  
 **-Stark**

  
Oh, for the love of-!  
Is it doing anything, Kid?  
 **\- Barton**

  
Not really - it's just kinda... standing there.  
 **-Lewis**

  
Okay, so I don't _think_ it's one of mine, but you should send me a pic so I can make sure.  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
I gotta admit that the fact that you aren't sure if you're missing a super suit is _kiiiiinda_ distressing.  
 **\- Barton**

  
As Dottie pointed out, I _have_ had tech stolen from me before, Birdbrain. I wanna make sure this isn't another instance of Hammer being an overachieving, sneak-thieving _douche canoe_ before wasting my afternoon dismantling the thing.  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
For the quadrillionth time, my name is DARCY.  
 _Dar. See._  
  
 **\- Lewis**

  
  
Tha' hell is that ugly piece of shit supposed to be..?  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
WELL I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT IT IS NOT FRIENDLY _I REPEAT IT IS NOT FRIENDLY **IT IS THROWING CARS**_  
 **-Lewis**

  
Wait - Darla, where are you again?  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
Seriously Tony, my name is Darcy what is wrong with your brain... Hey, that  
 **\- Lewis**

  
Lewis?  
J, I want her beacon on screen twenty minutes ago.  
 **-Stark**

  
>It seems as though Miss Lewis' mobile unit has been disabled, Sir.<

  
Of frickin' course it is; Lewis, how is it that you can destroy a field issue Starkphone?  
We're going to be having words later, swear to God...  
Okay, uh... New plan.  
Now where's that number...?  
 **-Stark**

  
Tony, what the hell are you do-  
 **\- Barton**

  
'M callin' in the Kid, what's it look like I'm doing?  
Now, shush.  
 **\- Stark**

  
But her phone was des-  
 **\- Barton**

  
Not that Kid, the _Other_ Kid. Now, seriously, shush!  
Da, da, da da daaaaaariight, here it is.  
JARVIS, initiate secure link with unit **P19S62P08M**.  
 **\- Stark**

  
>I'm sorry Sir, but it seems as though the unit has been modified-<  


Of _course_ it is - that's why I installed the backdoor.  
Modification override code: **15 ZANY MAFIA GNATS**  
 **\- Stark**

The hell-  
 **\- Barton  
  
** SHUUUUUUUSH!  
 **\- Stark**  
  
  
>Override Accepted. Commencing Uplink<

  
  
What are you even... Stop. Just... Look, this is ridiculous, man. I mean, seriously, what even is that?  
...  
You're The _Rhino_? Yeah, okay, I see that now, I get it, very clever.  
...  
Look, I gotta ask: do you even know what you're doing with that thing? I don't think you do. Can you even-  
 _> hyhh<_  
-okay, you can actually move pretty fast in that thing. I'm actually sorta impressed. Doesn't mean that you'll be able to beat me, but still, I'mma give you a solid B for effort. Heck, I'll give ya a B+, it's obvious you're trying.  
 _> hep<_  
You're making an attempt, and - okay, look, let's put the cars down and discuss this like ad-  
 _> umphh!<_  
\- okay, that's not quite what I meant when I asked you to put that dow- GEEZ! - enough of the vehicle throwing already--  
Hang on, what's beeping? Is it my...  
....  
Ohno. Oh no oh no oh no  
 **\- P19S62P08M**

  
Chill out, kid, it's me. You need help?  
 **\- Stark**

  
I NEED you to stop unlocking my phone while I'm working! What if I lost it and someone picked it up and then used it to figure out my identity?!  
WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY BUTT DIAL SOMEONE!?  
 **\- P19S62P08M**

  
  
If you'd just accept the full-time employment offer, you wouldn't have to worry about that sort of thing happening, you know.  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
I said I'd think about it after I graduate!  
 **\- P19S62P08M**

  
  
You aren't gonna graduate if you keep throwing yourself at giant rhino mechas without backup, dammit!  
...  
 **OH MY GOD. I SOUND LIKE ROGERS.**  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
Hey Kid, This is Hawkeye. Do you, ah, need some back up? Because I really don't wanna be here when Stark finds out I sent that soundbite to Cap just now.  
 **\- Barton**

  
...You got armor-piercing arrows?  
 **\- P19S62P08M**

  
Pfft... Do I have armor piercing arrows, he asks.  
I fight Doombots on a bi-weekly basis, Kiddo; I have more armor-piercing arrows than you have boxers.  
 **\- Barton**

  
  
...So, like, what, 30?  
 **\- P19S62P08M**

  
  
...You have a boxer fetish or something?  
 **\- Barton**

  
  
What?! No, ugh, that's just... No. Very emphatically no.  
 **\- P19S62P08M**

  
  
Hey, we wear pretty skintight bodysuits on a daily basis. This's totally a no judgement zone, Bro.  
 **\- Barton**

  
  
I'm an 18 year old high school student living with his great aunt; I receive underwear for every single gift-giving holiday.

And as much as I'm enjoying this little chat of ours, Agent Barton, I'm also currently trying to stop a guy in a robotic rhino suit from destroying a shopping center, so could we maybe continue this later?  
 **\- P19S62P08M**

  
  
Copy that, Kiddo. I've gotta retrieve one of our civvies first, though, so don't wait up.  
 **\- Barton**

  
  
Your civvie wouldn't happen to be a brunette MacGuyver with a great... ah, skill set, would they?  
 **\- P19S62P08M**

  
  
Dammit, what did she do this time?!  
 **\- Barton**

  
  
She used a pair of cell phones, a car battery and her taser to create a temporary electromagnetic field. It was awesome.  
 **\- P19S62P08M**

  
  
I hate to break it to ya, Kiddo, but she's a bit outta your league.  
 **\- Barton**

 

BARTON YOU LITTLE SHIT! YOU ARE SUCH A DEAD MAN WHEN YOU GET BACK, I SWEAR TO GOD...  
WHAT MADE YOU THINK THAT THIS WAS AN ACCEPTABLE THING TO DO, YOU ABSOLUTE COCKWAFFLE?!  
 **\- Stark**  


...Cockwaffle?  
 **\- P19S62P08M**

 

 Welcome to the insanity that is friendship with Tony Stark.  
 **\- Barton**  


* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [**It's finally happened**](http://www.superherohype.com/news/329465-its-official-spider-man-enters-the-marvel-cinematic-universe)


	8. Inappropriate Auditions, Petty Squabbles, and Poetic Eddas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sort of fell in love with the [Inappropriate Auditions](https://www.tumblr.com/search/inappropriate+audition+songs) meme, and my brain did a thing.
> 
> I used [this site](http://www.songfacts.com/categories.php) to help me get all the song titles, because unlike some people *cough* _Bruce Banner_ *cough* I'm not a musical savant.

* * *

* * *

 

 

Hi, I'll be auditioning for the role of JARVIS, and I'll be singing "Digital Witness" by St. Vincent.  
 **\- Lewis**  


[Very clever. Darcy Lewis, "Lewis Takes Action", Owen Pallet.]  
 **-JARVIS**  
  
  
I'm Googling that right freakin' now.  
\- **Lewis**  
  
  
Inappropriate auditions? Nice.  
How about:  
Hi, I'll be auditioning for the role of Catherine O' Leary and I'll be singing "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel.  
 **\- Parker**

  
Okay, 2 points to JARVIS for his obscure yet perfect song choice...  
Helen Keller, singing "I Saw the Sign" from Pitch Perfect.  
 **\- Lewis**  
  


That's more ironic than inappropriate...  
 **\- Parker**

  
  
[Peter Parker, "I am the Spider", Alice Cooper.]   
**\- JARVIS**

  
JARVIS, "Internet Connection", M.I.A.  
 **\- Parker**  
  
  
Hi, I _AM_ Tony Stark, so I don't have to audition for the role, but if I did, I'd sing "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath.  
 **\- Stark**

  
LAME.  
 **\- Lewis**

  
Oh, you think you could do better?  
 **\- Stark**

  
Anyone could do better than that. STEVE could do better than that. Couldn't you, Steve?  
 **\- Lewis**

  
Hmmm...  
Hi, I'm auditioning for the role of Tony Stark and I'll be singing "Drunk" by Ed Sheeran.  
 **\- Rogers**

  
BWAHAHA yesssssssss  
 **\- Lewis**

  
I'm auditioning for the role of Steve Rogers, and I'll be singing "The Frozen Man" by James Taylor.  
 **\- Stark**

  
Oo, since we're auditioning as each other, I call Black Widow with "Killer Queen" by Queen.  
 **\- Lewis**

  
Clint; "Assassin" by John Mayer.  
 **\- Romanoff**

  
  
Pssh... More like "He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot" by Grandaddy.  
 **\- Stark**

  
  
For that I'm auditioning as you with the song "Daddy's Speeding" by Suede.  
 **\- Barton**

  
Oooo... Shots Fired. Which is a song by Slash-  
 **\- Parker**  


Shut up Pete, this is entertaining as hell.  
 **\- Lewis  
**  
  
"White Trash Circus", Motley Crue.  
 **\- Stark**

  
"Jealous Guy" John Lennon.  
 **\- Barton**

  
Knock it off both of you, it's getting ridiculous.  
 **\- Rogers**

  
Who died and made you king of anything?  
 **\- Stark**

  
Sara Bareilles.  
 **\- Banner**

  
What?  
 **\- Stark**

  
"King of Anything"; Sara Bareilles.  
 **\- Banner**

  
...Ooookay...  
 **\- Stark**

  
Sorry, I got caught up with all the music references.  
 **\- Banner**

  
Hey, Doc, if you were gonna audition for a role in an Avengers musical, what would you sing?  
 **\- Lewis**

  
For myself, or for someone else?  
 **\- Banner**

  
Yes.  
 **\- Parker**

  
...It's a toss-up between "Weird Science" by Oingo Boingo and "Radioactiv-  
 **\- Banner**

  
IMAGINE DRAGONS FTW.  
 **\- Barton**

  
...-ity" by Kraftwerk. The original, not the '91 remix.  
 **\- Banner**

  
I'd audition for myself -surreal statement - with "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons, Clint. It's kinda my jam.  
 **\- Parker**

  
"It's kinda my jam", he says. You're adorable, Spidey. Don't ever change.  
 **\- Stark**

  
And as my audition piece for the role of Tony Stark, I'll be singing "Old  & Crazy" by Bruno Mars.  
 **\- Parker**  


I take it back - you're an asshole, Parker.  
 **\- Stark**  
  
  
DID I "MISS A MEMO" ABOUT A MUSICAL PRODUCTION?  
 **\- Thor**

  
Ohmigosh, Thor, no.  
 **\- Lewis**

  
MIGHT I RECITE SOME POETRY AS MY AUDITION?  
 **\- Thor**

  
Ohshit, no, not again  
 **\- Barton**

  
That's _really_ not necessary Pointbreak, you've already got a part-  
 **\- Stark**

  
**[LOUD UNTRANSLATABLE POETRY]**   
**\- Thor**

  
This is _your_ fault, Darcy!  
 **\- Parker**  


I'm getting Doctor Foster on the line.  
 **\- Romanoff**

  
Good plan.  
 **\- Banner**  


**[LOUD UNTRANSLATABLE POETRY]**   
**\- Thor**

What the h...Oh.  
Poetry again?  
 **-Foster**

  
For the love of God, Foster, MAKE. IT. STOP.  
 **\- Stark**

  
Don't worry, I got this.  
HONEY! DO YOU WANT TO GO BUY POPTARTS?  
 **\- Foster**

  
**[LOUD UNTRANSLATABLE POETRY]** -  
CAN WE PURCHASE THE FROSTED BERRIES OF STRAW FLAVOUR?  
 **\- Thor**

  
Yes, you can have frosted strawberry.  
 **\- Foster**

  
EXCUSE ME FRIENDS, BUT MY LADY JANE AND I MUST PROCURE POPPING TARTS.  
 **\- Thor**

  
Take your time, Buddy. Take your time.  
 **\- Barton**


	9. Reformed Villains and Family Reunions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A resounding **47%** of you guys voted for Reformed!Loki joining the cast, so... here he is. 
> 
> The link to the new version of the poll is in the story description. Or, if you're lazy/don't read descriptions, the link will be in the end notes of this chapter. Please vote - it helps me stick with the fic when I know there are people who enjoy it and are actively waiting for the next chapter. 
> 
> Also, I'm fully aware that I'm throwing out both Norse mythological canon (is that really even a thing? Mythological canon?) and Marvel comics canon with this one. And I'm also fully aware it's gonna be Jossed within the next five years, but I really couldn't care less, because I'm havin' a Hela good time.

* * *

* * *

 

I heard an explosion - What on Earth is Tony doing _now_?  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
What- ohmigosh, M-missus Potts, no, you can't be here..! Shit, Tony's gonna KILL me, I was supposed to stand guard!  
Er, n-not like there's anything that needs guarding, heh, but, um...  
C-can you just go back downstairs and forget you saw or h-heard anything, please?  
**\- Parker**

  
Peter, we discussed this - if Tony is doing something stupid, dangerous, or a combination of the two, you are supposed to..?  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
T-tell you right away, Ma'am. But it isn't stupid, dangerous, stupidly dangerous, or dangerously stupid this time!   
**\- Parker**

  
I think _I_ should be the judge of that, Peter. Now get out away from the door.  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
You can ask Jarvis! Er, Ma'am.  
Honestly, it's really nothing to worry about, Missus Potts, so could you _please_ just leave before Tony finds out you're here?   
**\- Parker**

  
[LOUD CRASHING FROM WITHIN, FOLLOWED BY KLAXONS]  


**\-- INTRUDER ALERT! UNAUTHORIZED ENTITY IN AVENGERS COMMONS --**

  
Move, Parker!  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
M-ma'am, I think it's okay, my spider sense hasn't- HOLY SHIT YOU'RE GLOWING AND NOW IT'S GOING OFF   
**\- Parker**

  
[DOOR EXPLODES]  


Tony, are you all rig- WHAT THE HELL ARE _YOU_ DOING HERE?!  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
Pep, hi, be with ya in a sec-  
**\- Stark**

  
Don't 'hi' me, Tony - tell me what the hell is going on!  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
Look, it's fine, it's cool, power down before you... You blew up the door! I _LIKED_ that door, Pep, what the hell, why would you-  
**\- Stark**

  
FOCUS DAMMIT, THERE IS AN EVIL NORSE GOD IN OUR LIVING ROOM!  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
Not that this isn't an amusing spectacle, but I would like to point out that I'm actually not the reason for the alert, as I've been here for nearly a fortnight now... Allow me to introduce Hela Lokidottir.  
**\- Loki**

  
[UNTRANSLATABLE]  
**\- "Hela"**  


So some of the legends about your offspring are true.  
**\- Romanoff**  


If by true you mean, "Loki has a daughter", then yes, I suppose _some_ of them are true.  
Her mother Ragna and I met while I was studying magic in Alfheim. She died not long after Hela began her training, but we still keep in touch, with Hela acting as mediary.  
**\- Loki**

  
Did you train her, then?  
**\- Banner**  


My influences in her schooling - in her life, to be honest - were strictly limited by both Ragna's family and my own quest for knowledge, I'm afraid.  
Despite that, I'm rather proud of her; already her understanding and application of magic rivals my own. Though I will admit, her control could be better.  
**\- Loki**

  
I'll say - She nearly threw me out a window! What is it with you guys and throwing me out of windows?!  
**\- Stark**

  
Honestly Stark? There are days I'd like to throw you out the window - like the time you had JARVIS play reveille to wake me up.  
**\- Rogers**

  
  
Yeah, I'da helped, if I wasn't afraid I'd lose my wings for it. It was a pretty low blow.  
**\- Wilson**

  
  
If it weren't for those wings, you wouldn't even be here, Harvey.  
**\- Stark**

  
  
Wh... Oh.  
Dammit Stark, I'm a counselor, not an attorney.  
**\- Wilson**

  
  
Heh...Okay, you can stay.  
**\- Stark**

  
  
I know I'm not here as often as I'd like to be, so I might be behind on the situation, but could someone explain why NO ONE is worried about the supervillain in the middle of the room?  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
  
It's... complicated. Basically, after the whole intergalactic Keebler revolt, Salazar here took the throne disguised as his Dad for a while - but only after tricking everyone into thinking he'd died heroically, blah blah blah.  
**\- Stark**

  
  
That doesn't explain why he's in OUR home, Tony. Or why he brought his daughter with him.  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
  
Oh, Hela didn't accompany me - as I said, I've been here for two weeks now. No, she came on her own; hence the intruder alert. The methods of travel available to her are somewhat limited, so she had to resort to a rather disruptive process, I'm afraid.  
**\- Loki**

  
Yes - I'd forgotten how disruptive it is, and for that, Lady Pepper, you have my apology.  
I apologise to you as well, Mister Stark - I didn't mean to send you flying like that.  
Although your squawk of surprise was humorous, and sounded just as father described in his recount of your battle.  
**\- Hela**

  
Loki, you're a little sh- sheep... killer.  
**\- Stark**

  
Sheep killer?  
**\- Parker**

  
What? I'm not gonna swear in front of kids - even if they're Loki's kids. When I do, Cap gets that "You're a Disappointment to your Country" look.  
**\- Stark**

  
  
Thank you for your consideration, Mister Stark, but to be honest, this is just a glamour - I haven't been a "kid" in over a millennium.  
And I'm completely aware of the fact that my father is a "little shit". Mother has called him a variation of that _countless_ times over the years.  
**\- Hela**

  
  
Okay, I like her. She can stay. Jury's still out about her dad, though - I'm not entirely comfortable with him living in Thor's apartment.  
**\- Barton**

  
I, ah... Thank you?  
**\- Hela**

  
__  
Someone had better explain what _Loki_ is doing here and why they felt it was safe and _sane_ to offer him Thor's apartment, and why I'm only learning about it _now_ despite him being here for _two weeks,_ or _someone_ will be in _serious_ trouble, _Tony_.  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
Because he made an Unbreakable Vow with Thor. Like a legit Wizard Vow.  
It's pretty awesome.  
**\- Stark**

  
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't he the "god of mischief'? How... Why do you trust him this time?  
**\- Pepper Potts**  
  
  
Because I officiated it myself, with [Forseti](http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forseti) and [Vár](http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/V%C3%A1r) as witnesses. If Father breaks his Vow, he will be stripped of his magic and trapped within a sealed casket for several thousands of years.  
And as to your next question, it came about because I mentioned how much it had hurt both Mother and myself, not to mention Sigyn and Grandmother, when he allowed himself to fall prey to-  
**\- Hela**

  
Dearest, as absolutely _thrilled_ as I am that you've suddenly decided to destroy my reputation as a contender for world domination, we have to leave soon if we want to get there on time.  
Let me show you to the room where you'll be staying so you can freshen up your glamour, and then we'll be off.  
**\- Loki**

  
Right. It was a pleasure to meet all of you - sorry again about the mess.  
**\- Hela**

  
Where are you two going, anyway?  
**\- Banner**

  
We're going to meet up with my brothers, Jor and Fen, at Coney Island.  
**\- Hela**

  
Oh, Coney Island's a lot of fun - it's probably changed a lot since I was there last...  
**\- Rogers**

  
You haven't gone since the forties?! We should go-  
**\- Stark**

  
You've got plans for today, actually, so you can stop planning what will inevitably be an overwhelmingly bad idea right now.  
**\- Pepper Potts**

  
Hang on a second... Did she say her brothers' names were Jor and Fen?  
**\- Parker**

  
She did.  
**\- Barton**

  
What are the chances that Jor and Fen are short for Jormungandr and Fenris?  
**\- Parker**

  
...You've been saying you wanted to do something fun with your girlfriend - Steve just said Coney Island's a lot of fun...  
**\- Barton**

  
Coney Island _is_ a lot of fun. You should take Natasha.  
**\- Rogers**

  
I _should_ take Natasha.  
**\- Barton**

  
You can only take Natasha if you promise not to embarrass the carnies by showing them "how it's _really_ done" like you did last time.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Mmmm... Am I allowed to heckle?  
**\- Barton**

  
You are allowed marginal hecklage.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
So let me get this straight: one-upmanship is forbidden, heckling is limited... Aside from the chance to spy on Loki and his possibly monstrous offspring, what am I getting out of this?  
**\- Barton**

  
Daisy.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Ooo... Sold to the redhead in plaid and cowgirl boots!  
**\- Barton**

  
Я люблю тебя, но ты некомпетентный.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
то есть не то, что вы сказали вчера вечером красотка...

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've gotta go down and take the cover off my Charger.  
**\- Barton**

  
...Russian innuendo?  
**\- Parker**

  
Russian innuendo.  
**\- Banner**  
  


* * *

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hover over the Russian text for translations, and then click [**Here**](http://goo.gl/Q8jxGq) to vote for the next chapter content. 
> 
> If none of the options really appeal to you, you can make a suggestion in the comments here. Or if you have any other suggestions, for that matter. Prompts are always cool. 
> 
> **Headcanon Hela (Child Glamour): Raffey Cassidy**
> 
> So... Did you guys like Hela? I like Hela. She's cool. She'll pop in and out of future installations - if you guys really like her, I might give her a oneshot of her own or something. I dunno. Would you guys even be interested in a Hela oneshot? 
> 
> **Clint's Car (1970 Dodge Charger):**
> 
> (Of course it's purple - what did you think it'd be, orange?)


	10. Enter the Magical Trickster Twins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG IT'S THE TENTH CHAPTER BETTER CELEBRATE WITH A GIF 
> 
> Ahem...You guys wanted Jor and Fen, and you also wanted to know where Bucky is. 
> 
> Don't ever say I don't do things for you. 
> 
> (Just kidding, I love you all.) 
> 
> New poll link in the story description and end notes, please vote/prompt in comments, blah blah blah, moving on...

* * *

  
So, wait, let me get this straight - neither of them are monsters?  
**\- Stark**

Not that we saw, no.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Although the kids packed away, like... 50 coney dogs in a half hour. It was both impressive and disturbing.  
**\- Barton**

  
Kids is a relative term, they looked to be in their mid teens. Of course, they were more than likely glamoured, so they could potentially be... Inhuman.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Pretty sure one of them unhinged his jaws at one point.  
**\- Barton**

  
Oh, that's Jor. He does that.  
**\- UNKNOWN 1**

  
Holy sinkining Titanic, where the hell did you two come from?!  
**\- Stark**

  
Well, when a mother and a father love each other-  
**-UNKNOWN 2**

\- Well, actually, it was more _tolerance_ that love, in our case -  
**-UNKNOWN 1**

True, true. Well, when a mot-  
**\- UNKNOWN 2**

  
HOW ARE YOU IN MY TOWER?!  
**\- Stark**

Oh. Apparation, how else?  
**\- UNKNOWNS 1 & 2**

Whaaaa  
**\- Barton**

Not really, Barton, do calm down. We just used the elevator.  
**\- UNKNOWN 2  
  
** Yes, really, do relax; Father often mentions how... Flighty you are.  
**\- UNKNOWN 1**

  
Oh, good one, Fen. You're a regular comedian.  
**\- UNKNOWN 2**  


I am so confused right now  
**\- Barton**

He's Fenris, or Fen-  
**\- UNKNOWN 2**  
  
Yes, hello; and he's Jormungandr, or Jor-  
**\- Fenris**

It's a pleasure and honour, truly.  
**\- Jormungandr**  


...Are you two _really_ gingers, or is that just a-  
**\- Stark**

  
Joke? Yes.  
**\- Fenris & Jormungandr**

  
You've got to admit, it's rather fitting, though -  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
The whole "Magical Trickster Twins" thing. Besides; Jor, George-  
**\- Fenris**

  
Fen, Fred. It's rather amusing when we're home-  
**\- Jormungandr**

We live in London, you see, although we usually look older than this-  
**\- Fenris**

We have a good laugh whenever we have to give up identification.  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
So what, your driver's licenses say..?  
**\- Barton**

George L. Drystan.  
**-Jormungandr**

Fredrick L. Drystan.  
**\- Fenris**

Drystan?  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Drystan was the name of one of Arthur's knights-  
**\- Fenris**

 _Supposed_ knights, that is, everyone knows King Arthur was a myth.  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
Like Thor and Loki, right?  
**\- Barton**

  
Exactly, just like them. Anyway, Drystan was a shape-changer-  
**\- Fenris**  


Which is an absolute must if you're to be a major trickster. The name's also connected with the Old English _þríste_ , which means-  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
Bold, daring, rash, audacious, and shameless.  
**\- Fenris & Jormungandr**

  
So tell us - where are the rest of your team?  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
They didn't all shadow our Father and sister like these two did-  
**\- Fenris**

  
We would have noticed. Have you got any Pop Tarts here? Miss Lewis said we needed to try them.  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
She was absolutely gutted when she couldn't find them back home. They're just sugary pastries, I don't see why she'd be obsessed with them-  
**\- Fenris**

  
Thor's obsessed with them.  
**\- Barton**

  
Oh, that explains it.  
**\- Jormungandr & Fenris**

  
Wait- you know Lewis?  _DARCY_ Lewis? How?!  
**\- Barton**

  
...We own a small bookshop in London.  
**\- Jormungandr**

She... frequented it. Infrequently. While living there. In London.  
**\- Fenris**

Might've... Asked us out....  
**\- Jormungandr**

Yeeaah, that.... That was... Awkward.  
**\- Fenris**

  
Hold up - Darcy Lewis asked you guys out, and you said no?! We are talking about Darcy Lewis, with the-  
**\- Stark**

  
Pantomiming a large chest isn't necessary, Mister Stark, we _are_ referring to the same woman.  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
...Are you guys gay?  
**\- Stark**

  
No.  
**-Jormungandr & Fenris**

We just-  
**\- Fenris**

Aren't into-  
**\- Jormungandr**  


 _It_.   
**\- Jormungandr & Fenris**

  
Whyyyyyyyyyy  
**\- Stark**  
  
We've just....  
**\- Jormungandr**  
  
Never had an interest.  
**\- Fenris  
  
**  
...Are you guys actually monstrous creatures that are using magic to hide your true appearances?  
**\- Stark**

  
  
WHAT?!  
**\- Jormungandr & Fenris**  
  
  
Whaa... How... _Why_ are you considered a genius?  
**\- Fenris**

  
Because I AM a genius, obviously. And let's face it, it's the _only_ explanation as to why you guys "don't have an interest" in sex. Because that's just unnatural, right there.  
**\- Stark**

  
It's not, really. Your genius being obvious, that is.  
**\- Jormungandr**  


Yeah, I'm not seeing it, either. Giant monstrous immortal creatures masquerading as a pair of humans?  
**\- Fenris**  


What's next, gun-toting raccoons?  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
  
  
TONY! Tony, you'll never believe it - I found Bucky! He's in Sou- who are these two?  
**\- Rogers**

  
  
...Heh...  
Giant monstrous immortal creatures masquerading as a pair of humans, apparently.  
**\- Stark**

  
Now wait a bloody second-  
**\- Jormungandr**

HE DOESN'T COUNT AS A RACCOON, HE'S WEARING GREASEPAINT!  
**\- Fenris**

  
  
Why did I expect anything else...?  
[sigh]  
Fenris, you're beginning to howl, and Jormungandr, it's long past time for you to re-hydrate. To your rooms, both of you.  
**\- Loki**

  
But, Dad-  
**\- Jormungandr & Fenris**

  
Don't you _start_ with me, [UNTRANSLATABLE], I have _had it_ up to _here_ with you two and your... Your... [UNTRANSLATABLE]!  
Over two _thousand_ years, and you're still [UNTRANSLATABLE]! Why can't you just -  
[deep inhale]  
**\- Loki**

  
Are you _counting_..? Wow. Nice to see the anger manag-  
**\- Stark**

  
Say another word, Stark, and I will extract your spinal cord from your body and use it to truss you up as a marionette!  
**\- Loki**

 

* * *

 

You can come out from under the couch now, Clint, he's gone.  
**\- Romanoff**  


Nope, I'm good.  
**\- Barton**

  
Guhhhhhhhhhh  
**\- Stark**

Pretty sure Stark's broken, though.  
**\- Barton**

  
That was... legitimately terrifying. Is it just me, or is he scarier now than he was before?  
**\- Rogers**

  
  
Don't let father's ire disturb you too badly - he's having a hard time dealing with the repercussions of his actions.  
**\- Hela**  
  


AUGH! WHAT THE HEL...a? Ah, your, uh... You're...  
**\- Barton**

  
Hmm?  
**\- Hela**  


  
You're... Older.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Old- OH! Oh, my glamour! I'm _so_ sorry, let me... I forgot this isn't a hooded garment, I-  
**\- Hela**  
  


Don't worry about it, Miss, it just surprised us. Here, you can wear this-  
**\- Rogers**  
  


Th-thank you, Captain Rogers, but you don't have to - I'm just going to head to my room and- oh. Th-thank you.  
**\- Hela**  


Sure.  
**\- Rogers**

  
  
  
You... Met my brothers, then?  
**\- Hela**  


I- not formally, I... I rode up with your Father... I didn't really get the chance to talk to them before he snapped his cap and busted their chops.  
**\- Rogers**

  
Oh.  
**\- Hela**

  
  
  
They seemed bonkers. Er, Wacky! Ah, I mean-  
**\- Rogers**  


Yes, they've always been energetic. To my father's detriment, at times, as you no doubt noticed.  
**\- Hela**  


Hah, yeah... I have a pal like that - actually, I was just stopping in to get my gear before shipping out to South America to try and find him.  
**\- Rogers**

Oo, can I come, too?  
**\- Barton**

If Legolas is going, I'm going!  
**\- Stark**

Someone's going to need to help you keep these idiots alive.  
**\- Romanoff**

Heyyyyyyyy!  
**\- Stark**

  
Great - Oh, will you be-  
**\- Rogers**

  
I'll be fine here, Captain Rogers. Good luck retrieving your lost friend.  
**\- Hela**

  
Th-thanks.  
**\- Rogers**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER. Seriously, I have no idea what the hell happened here.
> 
> Like, is there suddenly an actual PLOT?! I think there is. The hell? 
> 
> That was not supposed to happen. 
> 
> But seriously. I swear, this chapter, it honestly _wrote itself_ as I winced and said, "no, no, no, what are you doing, no, stahp, this is not what I want to happen what are you even _doing_ holy shit no" and it was like, "shh, it will be okay, don't panic" and I said, "okay, but it has to end at, "HE DOESN'T COUNT AS A RACCOON, HE'S WEARING GREASEPAINT!", but my brain was like, "lol nope, the thing needs Cranky!Papa!Loki" so I said, "Fine, but then the chapter's over" and then it went, "lol, still nope, we need some Hela so you gotta add her to the thing too" and then Shy!Steve showed up and he just got all flustered and forties and it was adorable so... 
> 
> I ship Steve/Hela now, I guess..? IDK my brain is _crazy_. 
> 
> **What? Oh, right, the poll. Click[ **here**](http://goo.gl/aNVfXa) **, please.****


	11. A Happy Hogwarts Birthday, Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Friday the Thirteenth - what better way to celebrate such an auspicious date than with Hogwarts-y goodness and some Bucky feels? 
> 
> *glomps Bucky and refuses to let him leave* 
> 
> LET ME LOVE YOUUUUUUU

* * *

* * *

Why are you dragging me up to the communal level, Slim Jim - there are robots to be assembled downstairs!  
**\- Stark  
  
**

Trust me, Stark, you're gonna wanna see this.  
**-Parker  
  
**

You seem to be under the false impression that there are- HOLY SHIT.  
**\- Stark**

  
Told ya.  
**-Parker**

  
  
There you are, Tony. I didn't realise you'd gotten the SWE's working yet- The texturing on this stonework is incredible.  
**\- Banner**

  
You made the common room into the Hogwarts Great Hall. That's actually really amazing, Stark.  
**\- Rogers**

  
These aren't... This isn't... I haven't perfected the Stark Wall-ographic Emitters (TM) yet. This... This isn't me.  
...  
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go get my house robe. BRB, people!  
**\- Stark**

  
He has a house robe?  
**\- Parker**  
  
  
Have you _seen_ the man's armour? Fun fact: It ain't gold and red because he thought the colours went well together.  
**\- Barton  
**  
  
Yes it is.  
**-Romanoff**  
  
  
Okay, yeah, well, it's also because those are the Gryffindor house colours!  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
...Huh. Didn't know that. About the suit, I mean.  
Hey, have you seen the kitchen yet?  
**\- Parker**  
  
  
Uh, _yes_ , and I dunno how he did it, but Stark somehow managed to get  _literally_  every kind of candy known to man all up in there.  
In fact, if you'll excuse me- ERK!  
Owww... Cap, what the hell?  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
It wasn't Stark.   
**\- Rogers  
**  
  
Wow, that's not something I hear often. Pray tell me, what _didn't_ I do?  
**-Stark**  
  
  
The decor transformation and candy acquisition.  
**\- Banner  
  
  
** Oh, yeah, wish I could claim that, but I can't.  
**\- Stark  
**  
  
But... Wait, that means... A: Loki did it, and we should watch out for pranks, or  
B: The Trickster Twins are back, despite Loki _expressly_ forbidding them to return until the next major holiday, and we should look out for pranks _and_ a pissed off Loki.

Not too excited about either situation, to be honest.  
**\- Barton**

  
But it IS a major holiday!  
**\- Fenris**

  
AUGH! WHAT THE - Oh, c'mon, Seriously, how many time do you have to be told NOT to do that?! I have a _heart_ condition!  
**\- Stark**

  
Meh, several billion or so, I'd say. He's not the smart-  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
Finish that sentence and I'll tear out your entrails with my teeth.  
**\- Fenris**

  
It's super unnerving hearing that come out of a five year old's mouth.  
**\- Barton**

  
Even if the five year old in question is actually a magical, immortal space-wolf?  
**\- Romanoff**

  
...That actually makes it _creepier_ , thanks.  
**\- Barton**

  
  
Okay, I'm wracking my brain and I can't think of one reason why today is a major holiday. Is it some sort of pseudo-Asgardian thing, or-  
**\- Stark**

  
It's Darcy's birthday.  
**\- Hela**

  
Hela! You look... Good. Your robes, I mean! They're, ah, accurate. To the house robes from the books! And movies, too, but the, uh... The books are better.  
**\- Rogers**

  
Oh, t-thank you, Steven. I, ah... I made them.  
**\- Hela**

  
You sew? I mean, _obviously_ you sew, you made those. I just thought you, ah, used magic to make clothes. And other things, not just... Yeah.  
Sorry, you... You surprised me, that's all.   
**\- Rogers**

  
O-oh. I'm sorry?  
**\- Hela  
**  
  
No! No, it's fine, you don't have to apologise!  
**\- Rogers**  
  
  
Um, there's... I made robes for you - I remembered that you said you didn't have any when I was here last... I hope it's okay?  
**\- Hela  
  
  
** W-wow - you made... Wow. T-thanks, Hela.  
**\- Rogers**  
  
  
  
It's like he's like a fish that accidentally jumped into the boat.  
**\- Jormungandr**

You can't help but feel a tiny bit sorry, watching him flop around -  
**\- Fenris**

But you're really glad he saved you the work of getting him there yourself.  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
You'd think that spending all that time with a bunch of showgirls would've taught him how to talk to women...  
**\- Stark**

  
It did.  
**\- Barnes**

  
AUUUGHHHH!  
....  
DAMMIT BARNES!  
**\- Stark**

  
He's right though, Steve doesn't have a hard time talking to women. It's just Hela he freezes with.  
  
Stop smirking Barton, it wasn't that funny.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
It _kinda_ is, though! I mean, her dad's a frost giant; there _could_ very well be some legitimate freezing going on someday, if he got over his... Whatever this is... And asked her out.  
**\- Barton**

  
He has. They've gone out... Several times now. He's only like this when... He doesn't expect her presence... Or her appearance has been... Altered.  
**\- Barnes**

  
...You're creepy, you know that? You are legitimately creepy individual.  
But it's good to know the guy can talk to her without stuttering the whole damn time...  
**\- Stark**

  
You... stutter when Pepper Potts... When she rubs your neck-  
**\- Barnes**

  
  
WHOA, HOLD UP, have you been SPYING on me again?! We discussed this, this is a discussion we all had, you were there, spying on team mates is not allowed. Right, Natasha?  
**\- Stark**

  
  
It's a readily known fact, Tony - we've all witnessed Pepper giving you a shoulder massage - it happens on a regular basis. He didn't spy to obtain the information. Did you, Barnes?  
**\- Romanoff**

  
  
No Ma'am... That information... Was _not_ obtained by... spying.  
**\- Barnes  
  
**

Oh. Well, so long as you aren't spy- OHMIGOSH, is that the Mirror of Erised? I wanna see, I wanna see!  
**\- Stark**  
  
  
  
...It's like he's a seven year old boy trapped in a middle-aged billionaire's body.  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
I... I... Mmm...  
**\- Barnes**  
  
  
You haven't been spying on anyone; have you, James?  
**\- Banner  
  
**

The only intel I have recently obtained... has been gleaned through... Nnn.. observation of individuals while they were... in the areas of the t-tower... that Agents Romanoff and Barton have ex... explicitly p-pointed out as...ughh... as areas where...where I may do so.  
...  
P-permission to...  
Permission to leave the room?  
**\- Barnes  
  
**

You don't have to ask for permission anymore, Buddy, remember? You can do whatever _you_ want. You wanna take a break? Go ahead and take a break. You wanna eat, sleep, shower - whatever you wanna do, Man, you go ahead and do it.  
**\- Barton**

  
I... I want... I want to... M-my head hurts.  
**\- Barnes  
**  
  
Do you want me to help you find something for that headache, James?  
**\- Banner**

  
Yes... Please..?  
 **\- Barnes**  
  
  
Was that Buck just now?  
**\- Rogers**

  
Yeah... Pretty sure he was overwhelmed by all of this, so he slid into Soldier mode. Again. Bruce took him to go calm down.   
**\- Barton**

  
You guys shouldn't have to deal with this - I'm his friend, I should be helping him remember-  
**\- Rogers**

  
Sorry, Steve, but I have to disagree with you on this one. Yes, you're his friend, and that's why - no offense - you can't help him right now. If he's going to break through the Hydra training and figure out who he his, he's going to have to do it _himself_.  
He needs to discover who James Barnes _is now -_ he can't do that if you keep telling him who James Barnes _was then_.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Luckily for him, Tasha and I - and Bruce, too, if you think about it - have been through this sort of thing first hand, so we-  
**\- Barton**

  
Did you guys know that the Mirror of Erised actually works?!  
**\- Stark  
**  
  
Of course it does - it's an easy enchantment. We've been doing it for _centuries_.  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
The Sorting Hat works too. Although it's not quite like the one in the films...  
**\- Fenris  
  
**

Yes, we had at first thought we could use a simple deliberation spell with four outcomes, but Hela pointed out that the sheer amount of data - i.e., personality traits and whatnot- it had to go through to determine the results was making it take far too long, so we had to modify it a bit.  
**\- Jormungandr  
  
**

...I was just referring to the fact that it's purple.  
**\- Fenris**

  
Oh... Well, that's true, too.  
**\- Jormungandr**

 

  
...Why do you guys suddenly look like you're in your twenties?  
**\- Stark**

  
Oh my God Tony, you can't just ask people why they look twenty!  
**\- Barton  
  
**

  
You know, I'm genuinely curious here, Romanoff... What the _hell_ do you _see_ in him?  
**\- Stark  
  
**

Hidden depths.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
...I'd make a sarcastic quip, but I'm pretty sure that's why Pepper puts up with _me_ , so...  
**\- Stark**

  
I have it on good authority that it is.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Yeah, I figured.  
...  
Well! Sorting Hat. My predictions: Thor, Steve and I are Gryffindors, Science Bro's a Ravenclaw, Barton's a Hufflepuff-  
**\- Stark  
  
**

HEY! Screw you, Stark, I'm totally a Gryffindor!  
**\- Barton**

  
Go ahead and prove me wrong, then - the Hat's right over there.  
**\- Stark**

  
Shouldn't we wait for the guest of honour to show up first..?  
**\- Banner**

  
Yeah, especially considering that this is a birthday party for Lewis, and she'd freak out if we started without her.  
...Where the hell _is_ Lewis, anyway?  
**\- Barton**

  
OH MY GOSH LOKI YOU TURNED THE KITCHEN INTO HONEYDUKE'S?! YOU ARE THE BEST THING EVER  
**\- Lewis**

  
...Is it just me, or does that woman sound like a squeaky deflating balloon when she's excited?  
**\- Stark**

  
It's not just you.  
**\- Parker  
  
**

GAAAAAAH!  
WHAT THE-  
WHY IS _EVERYONE_ SNEAKING UP ON ME?! IS THIS A _THING_ NOW?! CAN I OPT OUT OF IT?!  
Seriously - I HAVE A _HEART CONDITION_!  
**\- Stark**

  
I've been here the _whole time_ , Stark. In fact, I was the one who dragged you in here, remember?  
**\- Parker**

  
...Now that you mention it, I do have a _vague_ recollection of that occurring, yes.  
But that doesn't excuse the sneaking up-ness!  
**\- Stark**

  
OMG LOKI THIS... I CAN'T EVEN. I.... This... You... GAHHHHHH  
**\- Lewis**

  
  
Oh. That was... Unexpected.  
**\- Banner  
**  
  
Did she just..? Are they- They are. I'mma go... Away now.  
_Awkwaaaaaard...._  
**\- Parker**

  
Did that- yeah, no, that just happened. Is it- Nope, it's _still_ happening. No me gusta. _  
_ Oh God, that's - ugghh... Definitely no me gusta.  
**\- Barton**

  
Well. Jane owes me fifty dollars when she gets back.  
**\- Romanoff**  
  
  
This is so _very_ uncomfortable-  
**\- Jormungandr**

On so _very_ many levels.  
**\- Fenris**

  
You two are being melodramatic. Personally, I'm glad he's back in the saddle.  
**\- Hela**

  
Oh, hey, yeah,  _speaking_ of saddles-  
**\- Stark  
  
**

NO, TONY.  
**\- Hela, Jormungandr & Fenris**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Yes, my headcanon adult!Hela is Amanda Seyfried. Why? Because she's pretty, and because she looks a little bit like Kat Dennings to me, so it's sort of an homage to the whole "HelKat" debacle. :P) 
> 
> **Bonus Reaction:**


	12. A Happy Hogwarts Birthday, Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on to your butts, guys, this chapter is _crazy_.

* * *

 

If you could maybe quit sucking each other's faces off for a sec so we could commence with the Sorting Ceremony, that'd be _great_...  
**\- Stark  
**

Why are you so excited about this, Tony? You've made it obvious that you're a Gryffindor - it's not like you need to be sorted.  
**\- Rogers**

  
...Okay, I'll be completely, _transparently_ honest with you, Steve.  
**\- Stark**

  
Here we go...  
**\- Barton**

  
There are times where I think that maybe - Just maybe - I'm a... Ravenclaw.  
**\- Stark**

  
...Why would that be such a bad thing? Ravenclaw's a great house.  
**\- Banner**

  
Because it's not famous!  
**\- Stark  
**

...What.  
**\- Banner  
  
**

Hey-  
**-Lewis**

  
All the best characters are from Gryffindor. Everyone cheers for Gryffindor. Gryffindor is the most famous house, and-  
**\- Stark**

  
I'm a Ravenclaw.  
**\- Banner**

You don't like the spotlight. Ravenclaw's a good fit for you.  
**\- Stark**

Let's-  
**Lewis**  
  
  
I, uh... I'm a Gryffindor, according to Pottermore, - heh, that rhymed - and... I'm not a fan of the spotlight. I mean, I wear a mask when I save people so that no one knows-  
**\- Parker  
  
**

I call shenanigans on that, Pete, you're too quiptastic to be a background guy. And Barton's too background guy to be a Gryffindor.  
**\- Stark  
  
**

So help me Stark, I will stab you in the eye with my wand if you keep insinuating I'm anything other than a Gryffind-  
**\- Barton**

  
EVERYBODY SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME.  
AND SO HELP ME STARK, IF YOU INTERRUPT ME AGAIN, I'LL SIC MY MAGICAL BOYFRIEND ON YOU, AND HE'LL THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN.  
**\- Lewis**

  
You have the lung capacity of an Asgardian.  
**\- Hela**

  
Thanks, I try.  
Now - I'm the birthday girl, so I'm gonna go first!  
**\- Lewis**

  
ARE WE LATE FOR THE FESTIVITIES?  
**\- Thor  
  
**

Oh, _no..._  
**\- Loki  
  
**

BROTHER, YOU HAVE CREATED A WONDERFUL LIKENESS OF THE HOGWARTS CASTLE! I AM MOST IMPRESSED! I AM GOING TO HUG YOU!  
**\- Thor  
  
**

Honey... You're supposed to ask for permission before you hug him, remember?  
**\- Jane**

  
OH, YES... I APOLOGISE, BROTHER - IT IS JUST THAT I AM SO VERY EXCITED TO SEE YOU USING YOUR ABILITIES FOR GOOD!  
**\- Thor**

_  
Voce Submissa!_  
**\- Jormungandr & Fenris  
  
**

~~Ah, Neph- what has happened to my voice?~~  
**\- Thor**

  
...You know, you probably shouldn't have cast that at the same time.  
**\- Rogers**

  
Yeah, probably not.  
**\- Jormungandr & Fenris**

  
He doesn't look _too_ bothered by it.  
You okay, Big Guy?  
**\- Lewis**

  
~~It will wear off eventually, I'm not worried.~~  
**\- Thor**

  
Yeah, he's fine, we've done this to him tons of times. You want to do this, or what?  
**\- Fenris**

  
You made it purple?! You guys..!  
**\- Lewis**

AUGH!  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
Darling, remember what I said about glamours..?  
**\- Loki  
**  
Wha- Oh! Oh, wow, sorry Jor. I totally forgot about the... Whatchamacallits.  
**\- Lewis**

  
Translation, please?  
**\- Stark**

  
Magiphysical Sensation Dissonance. It's what happens when someone with a... Substantially large mass compresses themself into a smaller frame. Mass, as you know, cannot be created or destroyed without an Infinity Gem-  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
*koff* Spoiler Alert *koff*  
**\- Fenris**

  
Belt up, Fen, I'm pseudosciencing. Anyway, as I was saying-  
**\- Jormungandr  
  
**

As _I_ was saying, it's time for Darcy to get sorted, so e'rybody better shut the heck up and focus on me.  
**\- Lewis**

  
_**A mind that is open,** _  
_**A heart that is true,** _  
_**Lover of the Trickster,** _  
_**It's Hufflepuff for you!** _

  
Sweeeet... I got the stoner house.   
**\- Lewis**  
  
  
  
Was that... Benedict Cumberbatch's voice?  
**\- Barton**

  
Yeah, he and Dad are friends or something.  
**\- Fenris  
  
**

Huh.  
**\- Barton**

  
Bruce, you're next!  
**\- Lewis**

  
Why is he next- I wanna go next!  
**\- Stark**

  
Because he's sitting quietly, and you're not. In fact, Tony, you're going last.  
**\- Lewis**

  
Way to work that kindergarten logic, Darce.  
**\- Barton**

  
For that, you're going second to last.  
**\- Lewis  
  
**

Awww..!  
**\- Barton**

  
Shush! The Cumberhat is about to speak!  
**\- Lewis**

  
...Cumberhat?  
**\- Rogers**

  
_**A great man of science,** _  
_**There's much that you know,** _  
_**As a result of this,** _  
_**Into Ravenclaw you will go!** _

  
I figured as much.  
**\- Banner  
  
**

Um, I think Uncle Thor wants to go next.  
**\- Jormungandr  
  
**

No, he's saying that Ravenclaw is Jane's house, too.  
**\- Rogers**

  
...You can hear him?  
**\- Fenris**

Super Soldier Hearing.  
**\- Rogers**

Ohhhh, Rii _iiight_....  
**\- Fenris**

STEEB! You go next. Go on, do it!  
**\- Lewis**

But-  
**\- Rogers**

DO IIIIIIIIT.  
**\- Lewis**

Okay, okay! Stop freaking me out, Darcy, seriously.  
**\- Rogers**

  
**_Frozen in Time,_ **  
**_But never in heart_ **  
**_Hufflepuff is the house_ **  
**_Of which you are a part!_ **

  
Wait, whaaaaaa?  
**\- Stark**

  
It makes sense - Hufflepuff is all about Loyalty and Justice, after all.  
**\- Romanoff**

And let's face it, Steve is pretty much the poster boy for Loyalty and Justice. He's friggin' Captain America. You really can't get much more... Justice-y... than Captain America.  
**\- Barton**

  
Superman's waaaaay more justice-y than Cap is.  
**\- Stark  
  
**

Superman isn't real, Tony.  
**\- Banner**

  
Tch, Brucie, shame on you!  
That's what people said about Norse mythology,and yet, here we are, sitting at a table with the gods of Thunder and Mischief.  
Good ole' Supes may not exist in this dimension, but who's to say that there isn't an alternate world where they're the heroes, and _we're_ the comic book characters?  
**\- Stark**

  
...Remind me to introduce you to this  one guy I know.  You two would probably get along _really_ well.  
**\- Parker**

  
If it's that  plane-stealing, katana-swinging, fourth-wall shattering jackass Wilson, you can tell him to go dive in a pool full of acid.  
**\- Stark**

  
...He's probably already done that. Several times.  
But props for the Joker allusion.  
**\- Parker  
  
**

You know Wade Wilson?  
**\- Barton**

  
Yeah, he leaves me these  crazy, rambling voice mails about once or twice a week. Usually complaining about how I "stole his costume schtick".  
Last time he went on and on about Ryan Reynolds for some reason.  
**\- Parker**

  
Sounds like him. He was... a very _interesting_ individual, to say the least.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Dude is _batshit_ , in other words. And that's what makes him so dangerous. You can't predict his next move, you can't reason with him... I had to work with the guy a few times before I brought Tasha in, and let me tell you... _Never_ have I been so terrified for my life than when I was partnered up with  Wade Wilson.  
**\- Barton**

  
I know them feels, Man. My  Spider-sense is tingling just remembering the last time I saw him...  
**\- Parker**

  
Hey, let's turn back to the important stuff, which would be the celebration of my birth, m'kay? Natasha, you can go next, okay?  
**\- Lewis**

  
_**Silent observer,** _  
_**A spider you are,** _  
_**Ravenclaw is the house** _  
_**Where you'll star!** _

...Was that 'star' or 'scar'?  
**\- Barton**

  
Reasonably certain it said 'star', because 'the house where you'll scar' makes no sense.  
**\- Parker  
  
**

OMG PETE, PUT ON THE PURPLE CUMBERHAT AND DISCOVER YOUR DESTINY  
- **Lewis**

WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY SO LOUD?  
**\- Parker**

ALCOHOL!  
**\- Lewis**

...Not really sure what to say to that, so I'm just going to put the hat on now...  
**\- Parker**

_**With Responsibilities great,** _  
_**And a Spirit that's True** _  
_**Gryffindor is obviously** _  
_**The house for you!** _

  
Obviously.  
**\- Stark**

No no no, you gotta say it like Snape; "Obviously."  
**\- Barton**

I was, *obviously*.  
**\- Stark**

It wasn't *obvious* to me.  
**\- Barton**

Well, you *obviously* weren't listening very well!  
**\- Stark**

No, you *obviously* can't do a decent Alan Rickman impression!  
**\- Barton  
  
**

For God's sake, could the both of you stop your constant _bitching_ , or do you need me to separate you FROM YOUR MOUTHS?!  
**\- Loki  
  
**

Woooow not gonna lie but I found that barely-repressed passionate murder-rage thing really friggin' hawt.  
**\- Lewis  
  
**

I do believe I've proven myself a creature of passion _multiple_ times today, Darling.  
**\- Loki  
  
**

Massive understatement. Just wanted you to know that my ladyparts jus-  
**\- Lewis**

  
FOR THE LOVE OF CTHULHU DARCY COULD YOU NOT  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.  
**\- Banner**

  
Finn gluey Mowgli and Jafar whaaat..?!  
**\- Barton**

  
"In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."  
**\- Parker**

  
He doesn't live in R'lyeh any more, actually - he's got a nice little place down south.  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
"Nice" if you're an immortal destroyer of worlds, I assume.  
**\- Banner**

  
Well, yes, naturally.  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
Actually, "nice" is a relative term, even for us world destroyers. Old Kazoo doesn't have much of a yard, what with him living a magical swamp and all, so...  
**\- Fenris**

  
Respect your elder gods, Fen. You know how much he hates you calling him that.  
**\- Jormungandr**

  
...As fascinating as this conversation is - and believe me, I'm _totally_ fascinated - I want to prove to Stark that I'm a Gryffindor before some half-baked villain wannabe decides to attack New York again.  
**\- Barton**

  
...Was that a "slam" upon my person, Master Barton? Because if so...  
**\- Loki  
  
**

What? N-no, Oh, _hell_ no, I was-  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
I think Clint was just making an observation about our typical workload. Right, Clint?  
**\- Rogers**

  
_Yes_! I was absolutely observation making there, I'm not insulting him. Not at all. I like _living_.  
**\- Barton**

  
Your survival instincts are commendable. By all means, don the Sorting Hat and discover wha-  
**\- Loki**

  
YES, FRIEND BARTON, JOIN YOUR FELLOW GRYFFINDORS!  
**\- Thor  
  
**

Well, his voice is back to normal... And he's wrong, as usual.  
**\- Stark**

  
That particular spell lasted less than a half an hour - have you two been slacking on your endurance training?  
**\- Hela**

  
Cut us some slack, Hels, you know that using magic on a being as strong as Uncle Thor is always unpredictable!  
**\- Fenris**

  
Why do I have to keep shushing you people? Why can't you guys focus on anything for five- Oo, butterbeer!  
**\- Lewis  
  
**

Forget this, I'm putting on the hat already.  
**\- Barton**

  
_**Headstrong and fearless,** _  
_**Never one to back down** _  
_**Gryffindor's lucky** _  
_**To have you around!  
  
** _

BOOYAH! IN YOUR FACE, STARK!  
**\- Barton**

  
Okay, okay, _fiiiiine_ , I'll accept you as a housemate and will allow you to live with me.  
**\- Stark**

  
I _already_ live with you, you dumbass.  
**\- Barton**

  
Hey, I can throw you out at any time, man.  
**\- Stark**

  
Shut up and put on the hat, Tony.  
**\- Banner**

 

**_Intelligence and charm,_ **  
**_Filled with ambition_ **  
**_Slytherin's the house_ **  
**_Where you'll hold a position!_ **

  
HAHAHAOHMYGOSHHHHH  
\- Barton

  
_What_?! No, that- You guys skewed the results!  
**\- Stark**

  
It's literally _impossible_ to skew the results of this one, Tony.  
**\- Fenris  
  
**

Yes, the results are determined by using a compilation of direct scans of your personality and subconscious thoughts-  
**\- Jormungandr  
  
**

In summary, tl;dr: You're a Slytherin.  
**\- Fenris**

  
B-but... But...  
**\- Stark**

  
Honestly, I'm not surprised. Your personality does include quite a few canon Slytherin traits.  
**-Romanoff**

  
...But... I... I'm a Gryffindor..! I... I _have_ to be a Gryffindor!  
**\- Stark**

  
Fame isn't everything, Tony.  
**\- Banner**

  
I'm not... I'm not a bad guy! I'm... I'm _not_!  
**\- Stark**

  
Tony, calm down, it's just a bit of fun, no one said you're a bad guy-  
**\- Rogers**

  
No, y- you heard it, Steve - "direct scans of your personality and subconscious thoughts" th...that...  
**\- Stark**

  
Perhaps... The spell on the hat is relatively complex, my own magics might have caused some confusion which might have altered the results.  
**\- Loki  
  
**

But Father, that's n-  
**\- Jormungandr**

Hush, Jormungandr.  
**\- Loki**

  
So, wait... I'm... I'm _not_ a Slytherin?  
**\- Stark  
  
**

I wouldn't know. What I _do_ know is that you're no housemate of mine.  
...  
I'd suggest putting the hat back on now, if you're so desperate to get Sorted.  
**\- Loki**

But what if-  
**\- Stark  
  
**

PUT ON THE DAMNED HAT, STARK.  
**\- Loki**  
  
_**  
Passionate and Brave**_  
_**In each moment you live**_  
_**Your strength and allegiance**_  
_**To Gryffindor you must give!**_

  
_That's_ more like it - as I said, there's no way you're a member of my own house. My brother's house, however...  
Hn. I care not.  
Come, Darcy - I believe there's cake in the kitchen, and it quite literally has your name on it.  
**\- Loki**

  
YES! LET US GO TO THE KITCHEN AND SING SONGS OF CELEBRATION!  
....  
**[TRANSLATED FROM AESIR]**  
_Brother... I know what you did, and I thank you for it._  
**\- Thor**

**[TRANSLATED FROM AESIR]**  
_Thor, I assure you that it was for my own benefit. The thought of being forced to listen to Stark dismaying over the triviality of his placement in a fictional house of learning for the foreseeable future was what drove my actions, and nothing more._  
**\- Loki**

HA! It is just like old times.  
**\- Thor**

Stop _smiling_ like that, you insufferable moron.  
**\- Loki**

I have missed you, Brother.  
**\- Thor**

  
...Oh, very well, I'll allow you to hug-  
I SAID HUG, YOU GREAT IMBECILE! THIS IS NOT _HUGGING_ , THIS IS YOU NEARLY RUPTURING MY ORGANS WITH YOUR ACCURSED TREE TRUNK ARMS!  
**\- Loki**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sheesh, Loki, don't let anyone know you're a nice guy or anything. 
> 
> ~~_Friggin' Tsundere Trickster god..._~~
> 
> **CHAPTER 13 POLL[HERE](http://www.poll-maker.com/poll270292xaDF94Ad3-10)**
> 
> "Hey there, True Believers! 
> 
> I hijacked the chapter using my super awesome hacker skills. 
> 
> See if you can find my additions- 
> 
> _[give ya a hint; you might wanna go back up and take a real close look after Rogers gets sorted.]_
> 
> Yellow box, you always ruin _everything_. 
> 
> Oh well... Smell you freaks later! 
> 
> ❤ Merc with a Mouth


	13. DEADPOOL IN THE HOUSE!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys asked for Deadpool.
> 
> You're _probably_ going to regret that.
> 
> I know I do...

* * *

* * *

  
(Yaaaaaay gif insert!)

Hi there true believers, It's me, Deadpool!  
So... Like, _all_ of you wanted me to join the cast, which is super adorable, but... _I WORK ALONE_.  
Like Batman, only cooler. And stabby-er.  
**\- W Wilson**

Woah wait hang on, what the hell, why am I "W Wilson"? I'm DEADPOOL. It should say Deadpool!  
**\- W Wilson**

  
AUTHOR, MAKE IT SAY DEADPOOL  
**\- W Wilson**

AUUUUUUUUTHOOOOOOOR  
**\- Deadpool**  
  
  
(Fine, I've changed it to Deadpool. Happy now?)

  
I will be, if you give me a chimichanga.  
**\- Deadpool**

  
_And a slurpie._  
**\- ??**

  
(Who was that?!)

  
Italic yellow box. Ignore him, he be CRAy crAY.  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(...I thought you were the only one who could hear him, though. Why can I hear him?)

  
  
BECAUSE WE'RE TAKIN' OVER YOUR BRAIN, WH00T WH00T!  
But only for this episode. Unless we decide to come back.  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(I get that your "thing" is breaking the fourth wall, but could you please refrain from breaking the fifth wall, please? I like to propagate the illusion that these are transcripts of actual Avengers interactions.)

  
As opposed to the delusions of a questionably sane fangirl?  
Ughhhhhh, _fiiiiiiiiine_ , but know that I do it under duress.  
...  
And we could still _totally_ move in to your "transcripts" if we get bored.  
**\- Deadpool**

__  
Or if we can't pay the rent and we get thrown out of the apartment.  
**\- Italic Yellow Box**

  
Yeah, that could also happen. Depends entirely on... Lots of factors. Speaking of factors, what the _hell_ is going on in the X-factor universe?!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(Focus Wade - this is the Avengers.)

  
Fooo...Cuss? I can cuss! I cuss real good! Check it out: ☠☢✗✣❢, #@ &$, ◈◎✈☠-OH C'MON, HOW COME STARK CAN SAY ◈◎✈☠, BUT I CAN'T?!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(Stark _can't_ say ◈◎✈☠. It's in the contract.)

  
#@&$ the contract! I heard him say it the other day!  
WINK WINK  
LOOK HOW WELL I'M PLAYING WITH OTHERS AREN'T YOU ALL SO PROUD OF ME  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(...If this is as cooperative as you get... I'll take it.)

  
Cooperation is ☠☢✗✣❢, man.  
Oh, oh, UNLESS it's on Xbox Live! Then I play co-op AND MURDER MY TEAMMATES. Their prepubescent howls of rage fill my soul with gleeful feels akin to the feels of a virgin riding a rainbow on a unicorn!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(...What?)

  
VIRGINS RIDING UNICORNS  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(...Right. Correct me if I'm wrong, Wade-)

  
  
You probably are, it's an affliction everyone but me suffers from.  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(Don't you have other... Uh, text boxes?)  
  


Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah, buuuuuuuuut... They're busy staring at your ☺✌☠☮. OH COME ON, YOU'RE CENSORING ☺✌☠☮?!  
**\- Deadpool**  
  
  
(When the ☺✌☠☮ in question are _my_ ☺✌☠☮, yes, I'm censoring it. You're toeing the line, Wade - cross it, and I'll cut you off.)

  
UGGGHHHHHHH YOU'RE NO FUN AT ALL  
**-Deadpool**

  
(I'm serious, Wade.)

__  
Fiiiiiiiine, but you better believe that all these compromises I'm making are gonna cost you BIG TIME.  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(...You'd better not decensor everything with roll-over text in post.)

  
YOU'RE SUCH A FUN SUCKER!  
That's it, I'm gonna reveal your deepest secrets!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(WADE, Wh-)

  
The author's first fictional crush was on Wolve-  
Ewww. Whyyyy?  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(WADE-)

  
Hush now, quiet now, time to go to sleeeeep~  
Okay, um... Wow, lots of OC's in here....  
...  
Waaaaait, hold up -  
OC1 married Wolverine and their daughter married BATMAN?!  
...Even _I'm_ confused here.  
**\- Deadpool**

  
_Ditto._  
**\- Italic Yellow Box**

  
(I WAS **13** WADE, NOW GET OUT OF MY H-)

  
♫You make me feel  
Like I'm livin' a  
Teenage dream  
The way your ☺✌☠☮-♫  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(I WARNED you, Wade.)

  
Oo, scene change! Where are we... Avengers' Tower..?  
Ohhhhh, I see what you did there, author.  
Very nice, very sneaky, I approv-  
**\- Deadpool**

  
What the- where the- how the-?  
**\- Parker**

  
Heeey there, Schtick Stealer! The author sent me here because I made her mad; just roll with it-  
**\- Deadpool**

  
Wilson. Nice of you to drop by- I have several bullets with your name on them. Now seems like the perfect time to deliver them...  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Yeah, and once Tasha's done with that, I've got about 4 hours of moving target practice to complete - and guess who gets to be the target, Buddy?  
**\- Barton**

  
All I did was compliment your ☺✌☠☮!  
(Well, and the OC thing.)  
Are you really gonna let them shoot me for that?!  
...  
...Forget this, man, I'm gonna go get some tac-  
**\- Deadpool**

  
Don't even think about it. Aside from being a plane-stealing jackass, you also somehow managed to hack JARVIS' system and obliterated my playlists. Not cool, man, not cool.  
...  
I'm honestly half tempted to build you a suit, just so I can blow it up when you got over the ocean.  
Wonder if you'd be able to pull yourself back together if your body is scattered in tiny bits and subsequently eaten by fish..?  
**\- Stark**

  
IT WAS A _COMPLIMENT_! YOU'RE SERIOUSLY LETTING STARK TURN ME INTO FISH FOOD OVER A COMPLIMENT?!  
**-Deadpool**

  
Oh, is this the man you were discussing the other day? The one with the unique physiology?  
**\- Loki**

  
The self proclaimed "Guy Who Won't Die"? Yup, this is him. You're gonna have to get in line to put that claim to the test, though.  
**\- Barton**

  
I am nothing if not patient.  
**\- Loki**  
  


WHAT THE HELL AUTHOR I SAID THEY WERE NICE! IT WAS A GENUINE COMPLIMENT!  
Thiiiiis is gonna hurt like a bugger, isn't it?  
**\- Deadpool**

* * *

[several hours later]

* * *

 

(So... Did you learn anything?)

  
  
...Watching the Avengers eat Mexican food was really ☠☢✗✣❢ difficult?  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(Try, "Harassment is not a joke.")

  
...That explains the "Sensitivity Seminar" being broadcast over and over again...  
**\- Deadpool**

  
Actually, Mister Wilson, that was my addition to your "punishment". Your hacking of my systems was the virtual equivalent of violating me physically.  
I do hope you keep that in mind next time you're "bored".  
 **\- JARVIS**

  
... Damn...  
You could have just told me that in the beginning, Man. I know what it's like to have your body messed with without your permission...  
...#@ &$, Man, now I feel really lousy and serious and shit.  
**\- Deadpool**

  
(Have you learned your lesson, Wade?)

  
  
...I can't guarantee that someone else isn't gonna write me as a heartless asshole. I mean, I AM Deadpool, after all.  
But, uh, the whole...Violation thing... Yeah, I, uh... Sorry 'bout that. Like, honestly sorry. Tenth Doctor sorry.  
...  
Can we, uh... Lighten the mood now? Because I'm starting to get hives from all the seriousness goin' on.  
**\- Deadpool**  


(...The rest of the team is having a paintball war in the rec room. You can join in, so long as you don't switch out the paintballs for live ammunition.)

  
SWEETNESS!  
Oo, Oo, hold on, I'mma do a Kronkite!  
"This has been the Merc with the Mouth, hosting the special Deadpool edition of "Tower Texts"... And that’s the way it is."  
....  
GET READY TO EAT PAINT, BARTOOOOOOOOOOOON!  
**\- Deadpool**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, and, if you want me to compliment _your_ ☺✌☠☮...  
>   
>  (WADE, WHAT DID WE **JUST** TALK ABOUT?!)
> 
> (WADE WILSON!)
> 
> (OH, I GIVE UP.)


	14. Tower Texts Fan Art Gallery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was a challenge put out on Tumblr for fans to "switch bodies" on the 1st of April - Fan authors had to try their hand at fanart, while fanartists had to write a fanfic.
> 
> As you may already know, I am both a fan author and a fan artist (although I can by no means claim to be extraordinarily talented in either category) but I figured I'd go and make some fanart anyway. 
> 
> **Ta-da!**

* * *

  
"Pornstache" by Hannatude

* * *

If you've got a favourite scene from Tower Texts that you've illustrated, or you just want to show off your Avengers fanart,  
I'd totally love to display it in this "chapter"!

Just send it to me [here](mailto:fabulouscriminal@gmail.com).   


 

**AND IF YOU LOVE ME/YOU WANT ANOTHER CHAPTER YOU'LL[CLICK HERE](http://hannatude.tumblr.com/post/114956459564/chapter-15-of-tower-texts-will-be-a-q-a-and-i)   
**


	15. Tower Texts FAQ, Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The team (along with some of their friends and family) are gathered in the Tower living area to answer **your** questions! 
> 
> Prepare for ridiculousness, random photos/gifs, pop culture references, embarrassing stories, and Tony Stark being an asshole. 
> 
> Don't even start with that "wait, what?" face, Tony, you're _always_ an ass of some sort. 
> 
> Thank you. Now, could you _please_ get said ass out of your workshop so we can get this thing started?

* * *

**TONY -** Hey, I'm here, the party can get started now. Let's fire up the thing and... Actually, I have no idea what the hell is going on... JARVIS?

**JARVIS - Several fans have submitted questions that they would like to have answered, starting with Validescope, who asked:**

**"How did you two [Darcy and Loki] get together?"**

 **TONY -** Aww, blah, c'mon people, ask INTERESTING questions-  
  
**LOKI -** I'd have to say our relationship really started flourishing not long after the initiation of my banishment period here on Midgard. My idiot brother _insisted_ that I join those of the team that were willing to accept my presence in a "Movie Night".

He then forced me to continue to do so on a bi-weekly basis.  


**DARCY -** Of course, Stark was being Asshat Supreme - as usual - and kept picking movies like "Independence Day" and stuff. You know, the 'aliens invade the Earth and get defeated by humans' ones?

It was really obvious what he was doing - well, Thor didn't really get it, because he would usually spend the entirety of the movie stuffing popcorn in his face while braiding Jane, Natasha, Pepper or my hair into really friggin' kickass styles.  
Like, fishtails have _nothing_ on Thor braids.

I mean, look at this. LOOK AT IT! This is what he did to Jane's hair last week.  


  
Oh, and then this one time, when Natasha went undercover to this gala thing, Thor did her hair, and it was _a-MAZE-balls_!  
  


  
**LOKI-** Ahem... Returning to the original topic... One night, Darcy vehemently demanded that we watch the film 'Avatar' because, and I quote, "There are giant sexy blue aliens wearing loincloths."

  
**DARCY -**  Yeah, I've got a thing for supermegafoxyawesomehot blue men... _If you know what I mean_.  
  
It's a bit of a fetish; I've given up trying to repress it.

 **  
PETER -** TMI. Waaaaaaaaay TMI. _  
_  
  
**"Did Darcy ever have to taser you Loki?"  
  
**

**LOKI -** I'm not a bumbling cro-magnon like Thor, so no, tasing has never occurred.

 **  
DARCY -** I _have_  accidentally nailed his Adam's Apple with a paintball, though. I felt really bad about it, but then Clint screamed and fell from the rafters because Tasha shot him in the groin with one of those experimental ICER pellets, and we agreed that it could've been WAY worse.  
  
  
**CLINT -** Ya know, I knew my day was missing something, but I couldn't quite figure out what. Turns out it was flashback induced crotch pain. Thanks for that.  
  
  
**TONY -** Natasha's accuracy will never cease to impress me. I mean, that's a really friggin' small tar-  
  
  
**CLINT -**  I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you, Stark.  
  
  
**PETER -** MAAAAAAAAAAAllllllllllllll *gross sobbing*  
  
  
**DARCY -** Dammit Barton, you broke the cutie! You know quoting "Irefly-fay" is a no-no when he's around...  
  
  
**CLINT -**  Sorry - I just... Whedon's such a good writer, I can't help but quote his stuff!  
  
  
**"I have the weirdest urge to know what's in the ladies purses/bags, like those youtube tags. I imagine Pepper's bag has practical things but working/loving Tony has to have the odd bit in there. I'd love to know what Natasha carries around. Besides a taser and her ipod, what does Darcy have...does Hel carry a bag?"**

 **PEPPER -** I guess the "odd" things I carry are my custom cosmetic bag and maximum strength migraine tablets.  
Oh, and bags of fruit snacks. I throw them at Tony when he gets whiny, because that's typically a sign that his blood sugar is low.  
  
Oh! That's my phone - excuse me.

  
**NATASHA -** I carry seemingly innocuous items such as my wallet, key ring, phone, pack of gum, sunglasses, compact, lipstick, band-aids, chapstick, earbuds, nail scissors, ink pen, note pad, hair ties, bobby pins and various bits of "everyday debris" (ticket stubs, receipts, toothpicks, loose change).

  
**DARCY -** My phone, Kindle, wallet, keys, and my loyalty card collection.  
  
_Isn't it beautiful?_

  
  
  
**HELA -** I _do_ carry a bag, but it is really a portal to a dimensional pocket of Helheim where I store my belongings. I am able to retrieve whatever I may need from within with but a thought.  
  
**PETER -**  Plot Twist: Hela is actually Hermione Granger.  
  
  
**TONY -**  Just don't think too hard about the fact that her brothers are basically the Weasley Twins.   
  
  
**PETER -** GEE THANKS FOR THAT

* * *

 

 **JARVIS - Shana-Powers asks:**  
**"Loki, is the story of nari and vali true? If it is, I have lost all respect for Odin."**  
  
**TONY** - WHERE ARE THE QUESTIONS FOR ME?!

 **LOKI -**  Shut _up_ , Stark.  
  
I would once again like to remind the audience that most of the myths pertaining to my offspring are _grossly_ distorted falsehoods.

That being said, yes, Nari and Vali are my youngest children. He and his brother live with their grandmother in Vanaheim. And before you ask, yes, It's true that Vali turned into a wolf; however it was his admiration of his elder brother's shape-changing abilities that brought about the "curse".  
Unfortunately for Vali, his magical abilities were nowhere near strong enough for him to attempt such a feat, so he was trapped in the form of a wolf for quite a long time.

Of course, I am by no means attempting to convince you to retain your respect for the All-Father. I care not what your feelings towards that _barbarian_ are.  
  
  
**THOR -**  NOW, BROTHER-  
  
**HELA -** Oh no, not again...  
  
**JOR -**  Look, Uncle Thor! Red Vines!  
*shoves candy into Thor's mouth*  
  
**THOR-** MMMGGPHFFFFFFF  
  
  
**FENRIS -** Red Vines - what the hell _can't_ they do?

* * *

 

 **JARVIS - DK  
**  
**TONY** \- Who will now and forever be known as "Derpy Kong" -

**JARVIS - "For Loki I ask what his mischievous children are up to? (Such as I've read stories his children being current mischief makers, like Nari as Neal Caffrey in White Collar)" **

**TONY -** _SERIOUSLY_ PEOPLE?!  
  
  
**NATASHA -**  Enough, Stark.  
  
  
**LOKI -**  Hela is very much like her mother; very dedicated to those that she cares for (and yes, before anyone asks, I am aware of her relationship with Captain Rogers) as well as being very dedicated to her duties as ruler of Helheim.  
  
I honestly don't _care_ what Fenris and Jormungandr are doing, so long as they are doing it on a different continent from the one I inhabit.

As I mentioned above, Nari and Vali are my youngest, and they are currently living with their mother's mother in Vanaheim. I can assure you that they are not portraying  fictional semi-reformed con-men on Midgardian television.  
  
  
**DARCY -** Nor are either of them as attractive as Matt Bomer. Which is fortunate, because if my BF's kids were _that_ hot, it'd be...  
  
_Hela_ awkward.  
  
**LOKI -**  


 

 **"For Clint I ask how he gets his hair like that?"**  
  
  
**CLINT -** I don't... I really don't understand the question. I mean, my hair is just... It's hair?  
When it gets too long, Tasha cuts it.

 **  
TONY -** Look at the pre-circus hair, though!  


  
**CLINT -** HOW DID YOU FIND THAT COULSON DESTROYED THOSE PHOTOS

  
**TONY -** I found it while we were hanging out at your... other place of residence.

  
**CLINT -** ...I hate your face, and everything it stands for.

  
**TONY -** OL' MACBARTON HAS A FARM, E-I-E-I-O  
  
  
**"And for Steve, I say, That Ass. Not really a question, but seriously. That. Ass."**

  
**STEVE -** Thank you.  
  
  
**TONY -**  OMG JARVIS did you get that face? Tell me you got that face.   
  
  
**JARVIS -** I did, Sir.  


  
**BARNES** \- Pfft... Punk.   
  
  
**TONY -**  DAMMIT!  
AGAIN WITH THE DUCTWORK, BARNES?!  
Either get down here and join the group, or go terrorise R&D with your sneaky ceiling tricks.  
  
  
**BARNES -** ...'Kay  
*sound of fabric sliding on metal as he heads to R &D*  
  
  
**CLINT -** Wait, can I go haunt R-  
  
  
**NATASHA -** No, you cannot.  
  
  
**CLINT -** _Awww..._  
  
  
**TONY -** AHEM! As I was about to say; I too have an _amazing_ ass.  


  
**NATASHA -** ...Are those Pepper's Manolo Blahnik Equestrahis?

  
**TONY -** ...Maaaaaaaaaybeeeeeeeeeeee....  
  
  
**NATASHA -** You better make sure she doesn't find out you were messing around with her fifteen hundred dollar boots, Stark.  
  
**  
TONY -** I PUT THEM BACK WHEN I WAS DONE WITH THEM!  
  
  
**CLINT -** I'm not gonna lie, but I've got a pretty fabulous ass myself. And unlike Stark, I don't _need_ to wear heels to show it off.  
  
  
  
**PETER -** You made a collage of your own butt?  
  
  
**CLINT -** Nope! I found it on Tumblr.   
  
  
**PETER -** ...You were looking for pictures of your butt on Tumblr?  
  
  
**CLINT -** IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE GOT A LOT OF MERCHANDISE TO GAUGE MY POPULARITY WITH THE FANS OR ANYTHING - I TAKE WHAT I CAN GET, OKAY?!  
I mean, I don't even have a Cheez-it! Even _NAT_ has a Cheez-it!  
  
**NATASHA -** Calm down,  сладкие щеки, your ass is still _my_ favourite.  
  
  
**BRUCE -**  Well, _I've_ suddenly got the _strangest_ case of Deja Vu.  
  
  
**PETER -** ...I don't have a Cheez-  
  
  
**CLINT -**  YOU DON'T GET TO BITCH ABOUT NOT GETTING A CHEEZ-IT WHEN YOU HAVE LICENSED FRUIT SNACKS  _AND_ BREAKFAST CEREAL.    
  
  
**STEVE -** He's not wrong.  
About the fruit snacks and cereal, I mean.

* * *

**JARVIS - Guess Who asks:**

**"So, what do the kids really look like? Is Hela half-rotted, half-black, half-blue? Is Jor more snakelike or more eel-like? Is Fen black or grey or brown?"**  
  
  
**TONY -** WHERE THE HELL ARE _MY_ FANS?!  
  
  
**BRUCE -** Give it up, Tony.  
  
  
**FENRIS -** Well, we're all shapeshif-

  
**JOR -** Yeah, they've got that figured out, idjit, they're asking about our *true forms*.

  
**FENRIS -** I WAS GETTING TO THAT-

  
**HELA -** In my true form I have a body that is only half corporeal. The skin of my "solid side" is pallid - nearly powder blue, in some lighting; my lips have a blue tint to them as well. My eye is green-grey, my hair is black, and I have sharp cheekbones like my father.

My "ghost side" is blurred and wispy, not unlike a thick grey smoke. My "Dead Eye" (as my *dear* brothers have called it for centuries) looks rather like a flickering green orb. My "hair" consists of wavering insubstantial black tendrils trailing down my back.

  
**JOR -** Ever the poet, our sister.

  
**FENRIS -** Meanwhile we're sitting here, looking a lot like bloody Pokemon crossbreeds.

  
**JOR -** I wish I could say he's lying, but... He's not.

  
**FENRIS -** Picture the gigantic, green-eyed bastard spawn of a Mightyena and a Houndoom and you've got an idea of my true form.

  
**JOR -** I suppose... I would be the result of a tryst between a Milotic and a Mega Rayquaza.

 **  
PETER -** The fact that you've thought of that at all is kind of disturbing, to be honest. Accurate, but disturbing.  
  
**  
TONY** \- I've seen enough hent-  
  
  
**DARCY** \- COULD YOU NOT.  
  
  
**"And did Odin do the same stupid shit to them as in the myths? I'd guess not, if the old bastard is still alive, since Loki would probably go off the deep end at that."**

  
**JOR -** He couldn't tell us apart, despite our obvious... differences.

  
**FENRIS -** What Jor means is that the both of us were born humanoid enough to pass as Æsir from a distance of about... sixty feet.  
During a blizzard.  
By a blind man.

We took on a decidedly more Æsir appearance once Grandmother held us, but...

  
**JOR -** Fen's teeth were pointed and his hair was forever shaggy, while I had webbed appendages and opalescent skin.

  
**FENRIS -** And you had two sets of eyelids, which was equal parts awesome and disgusting.

  
**JOR -** Oh, right, the nictitating membranes! I had forgotten about that. Your eyes shone in the dark, though, so... We really were even, in terms of freakish mutations that frightened the maids.

 **FENRIS -** Yeah, I s'pose.  
Let's see... Other douchey things Odin did...  
Locked us in our rooms whenever company came by-

 **JOR -** "Borrowed" the horse father gave us and never returned him-

 **FENRIS -** Chained me up in the dungeon during the full moon-

 **JOR -** Locked me in the bathhouse during the new moon-

 **FENRIS -** Banished us to Midgard when we entered puberty-

 **JOR -** Actually, I think Father was responsible for that last one...  
  
  
**LOKI -** It's not like you were in any danger.  
  
  
**JOR &  FENRIS -** Love you too, Dad.

* * *

  
  
**TONY -** Wait - is that seriously all of the questions?!   
  
  
**JARVIS -** Yes, Sir, those were all the questions we received this time. Perhaps next time there will be questions specifically for you, Sir.  
  
  
**TONY -** There had _better_ be...  
  
  
**CLINT -** Maybe they didn't ask you any questions because they know  _all_ there is to know about you already.  
It's not like you've kept anything about yourself out of the spotlight...  
  
  
**DARCY -** Or _maybe_ it's because the fans find Loki inherently sexier, and therefore want to know more about him. I know I do...  
  
  
**FENRIS -** ...They asked a lot of questions about _us_ though, so...   
  
**JOR -** There's your theory being blown out of the water, Darce.  
  
  
**THOR -**  PARDON THE INTERRUPTION, BUT ARE THERE MORE RED VINES? I SEEM TO HAVE FINISHED THE PACKAGE.  
  
  
**PETER -** Looks like we're gonna have to make _another_ junk food run...  
  
**  
TONY -**  Way to take initiative, Beanpole. Along with that initiative, you can take my card.  
Oh, and pick up some bags of marshmallows while you're at it. The little ones. Like eight bags or so.  
  
  
**PETER** \- ...Are the marshmallows for eating, or for science?  
  
  
**TONY** \- Sometimes I swear you're the illegitimate child I'm _so_ glad my days of unbridled debauchery never resulted in.  
  
  
**PETER -** That's... Was the point of this entire exercise to make me feel uncomfortable? Because I'm feeling _super_  uncomfortable now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly love FAQ/"Ask the Cast" chapters. They're just a hell of a lot of fun to write, because I never know what's going to happen.
> 
> I'll **always** be open to receiving questions, either here in the comments, or over on my [Tumblr](http://hannatude.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> **OH MY GOSH YOU ALL HAVE TO WATCH [THIS](https://youtu.be/NyI1EcNs4p0).**


	16. April 26th is a Super Special Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder: mouseover the Russian bits for the English translation. Also, all Russian was obtained through Google translate - If I got it wrong, please let me know!

* * *

  
ALRIGHT, WHERE IS IT?!  
**\- Lewis**

Where's what?  
**\- Barton**

  
You know what! Where did you put it?  
**\- Lewis**

  
...Seriously, Lewis, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.  
**\- Barton**

  
WHERE IS THE CAKE?!  
**\- Lewis**

  
Hate to break it to you, Darce, but the cake? It's a lie.  
**\- Parker  
  
**

Ladies and Gentlemen; it is my pleasure to present: Portal-man.  
*claps slowly three times*  
**\- Barton**

  
I hate those gam- обман мало дерьмо!  
**\- Barnes**

  
я не!  
**\- Barton**

  
OI! CHILDREN! FOCUS!  
**\- Lewis**

  
*sighs and pauses game console*  
What do you want,  кукла?  
**\- Barnes**

  
I made a literal, honest-to-Thor cake earlier, and it is MISSING.  
I want answers, and I want them NOW.  
**\- Lewis**

  
Me 'n Barnes have been in here since breakfast, and Parker swung in here... What, three hours ago?  
**\- Barton**

  
Yep.  
**\- Barnes**

  
Oh my gosh, seriously? I didn't SWING in here, I WALKED in. You make it sound like I'm Tarzan or something, sheesh...  
**\- Parker**

  
I think... Steve and I saw some of those when we were kids.  
**\- Barnes**

  
Some of what?  
**\- Parker**

  
The... Tarzan serials. I know we had a couple a' the books.  
**\- Barnes**

  
There were books?  
**\- Barton**

  
Seriously, Clint? How do you NOT know Tarzan's a literary character?!  
**\- Parker**

  
I didn't know there was more than one Tarzan book, okay? Not all of us spent our formative years in libraries like you did.  
**\- Barton**

  
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO KEEP YOU GUYS' ATTENTION FOR TEN MINUTES?!  
**\- Lewis**

  
You could start with taking off your shirt, and then move on from th- well, hell~oooooo there, Grumpy McShiny Arm - long time no grope!  
*leaps onto the couch, displacing Peter*  
**\- Deadpool**

  
Um, oww.  
**\- Parker**

  
Oh boo hoo, you're fine, Fishstick.  
So, Winter Bae... Can I touch it?! I promise I'll be gentle.  
**\- Deadpool**

  
Who are you, and what are you doing here?  
**\- Barnes**

  
Aww, Snipey-poo - I'm Deadpool, remember? We shot some guys together (sort of together, anyway)...  
Oh, wait, no, you've got the... Memory glitch thing... Bummer.  
Well, good thing I'm always up for introductions!  
I'm-  
**\- Deadpool**

  
A pain in the ass, that's what. What did I tell you 'bout getting out of the truck?!  
**\- Logan**

  
But, Loooooooogaaaaaaaaaan... I sensed a weakness in the fourth wall, and I had to investigate! Speaking of investigating - I'm off to find Betty Boop's cake in Tony's lab I MEAN I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE CAKE IS LALALALA  
*runs off*  
**\- Deadpool**

  
It better NOT be in Tony's lab!  
*also runs off*  
**\- Lewis**

  
Dammit Wade, you'd better be runnin' out to clean up the mess you made in my truck!  
**\- Logan**

  
Wheeeeeeeeeeeee CATCH ME, DADDY!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
*sighs heavily*  
I've had it upta here dealin' with that asshole's bullshit. He's your kids' problem, I got students ta teach.  
**\- Logan**

  
What do you even teach at that place? Self-defence?  
**\- Barton**

  
Art.  
**\- Logan**

  
Whut?  
**\- Parker  
  
**

Pfft... Вы настолько полны дерьма, Howlett.  
**\- Barnes**

  
Даже не начинай со мной, Barnes.  
Tell Rogers to call me if there's an actual emergency, will ya?  
**\- Logan**

  
Doubt we'll need your help, Old Man, but I'll pass it on.  
...Did you hear about the-  
**\- Barnes**

Yeah, I did, _Kiddo_.  
'S not like I was a part a' the Commandos, but I, ah... 'preciated the invite.  
**\- Logan**

  
Steve says it's for everyone who... You know. Not just for... Them.  
**\- Barnes**

  
Mmm. I'll think 'bout it.  
...  
...  
Well, I should probably go clean out my truck before it starts to smell like I used it to transport a dead body.  
**\- Logan**

  
.. _Did_ you use it to transport a dead body?  
**\- Parker**

  
Kid, you _seen_ Wilson without his mask on? Guy's a literal walking corpse.  
I nearbouts gotta OD on Breathsavers after I run inta him, the smell's so bad.  
**\- Logan**

  
As a doctor, I'd suggest a different alternative... But as someone who has woken up to the smell of decaying flesh more times than I'd like to recall, you've got a good strategy.  
**\- Banner**

  
Hey, Doc. You come out of hiding for food?  
**\- Barton**

  
Mmm... Deadpool's down there - The Other Guy's not a fan of his.  
**\- Banner**

  
Yeahhhh... Sorry 'bout that one time in Canada, by the way.  
**\- Logan**

  
Hey, hey, Logan, why don't you sound Canadian? Like, you said "about" like an American, instead of "aboot" like your brethren in the Northern Provinces. What gives?  
**\- Barton**

  
...You're a dumbass, Barton.  
**\- Logan**

  
No, seriously, why-  
**\- Barton**

  
You _tryna_ piss me off, Bub?  
**\- Logan**

  
...No.  
**\- Barton**

  
Dinnit think so.  
Now, I really do need ta-  
**\- Logan**

  
NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, TONY!  
**\- Lewis  
  
**

Pretty sure it is today, actually. It is a birthday-eve, after all.  
Look, all I'm saying is that these were extenuating circumstances. Well, misleading circumstances, at the very least.  
**\- Stark**

  
Good luck, kids. I'm outta here.  
**\- Logan  
  
**

увидимся.  
**\- Barnes  
  
**

THE NOTE SAID "DO NOT EAT!"  
**\- Lewis**

  
Why are you yelling? It was an honest mistake. I thought the note was for Barton, or one of the other not birthday-eve people. It never occurred to me that it was a cake meant for any reason other than celebrating the birthday-eve!  
**\- Stark**

  
You built a new suit Tony, we don't have to have a birthday party everytime you build a suit, and even if we did, THIS CAKE WASN'T FOR YOUR SUIT  
**\- Lewis**

  
Birthday eve? Is that... Is that a thing now?  
**\- Barnes**

  
Not for typical people, no.  
**\- Banner**

  
If the cake wasn't for Tony's, ah, suit's "birthday-eve", then who and what was it for?  
**\- Parker**

  
The Internet Publicity Girl. It's her ACTUAL birthday tomorrow, and-  
**\- Lewis**

  
We have an "Internet Publicity Girl"?  
**\- Barton**

  
Oh my gosh Clint, you know who I mean. The girl who works with JARVIS to transcribe conversations and posts them on that one website.  
**\- Lewis**

  
AAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNND THERE GOES THE FOURTH WALL!  
OUCH! Awww, Snipey, you put a bullet hole in my stomach...  
I didn't know you cared!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
Hey, um... I was gonna ask earlier, because I'm a morbidly curious individual despite my better judgement: what's wrong with your arm? It looks... Deformed.  
**\- Parker**

  
Well, Schtick-Stealer, I'm glad you asked!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
Get the _hell_ off of me, Wilson.  
**\- Barton**

*sigh*  
Oh, Fiiiiiiiine...  
...  
Soo, where was I- Oh, right!  
I had to cut off my arm to get out of the straight jacket (tl;dr: it's Logan's fault) but it's growing back - aren't you, right arm? Yes you are! Yes you are! Aww, such a good arm! ^_^  
...  
Oh, yeah, I _might_ have used the old one to bludgeon several of the security guys down in the lobby.  
Ya know, for funsies.  
**\- Deadpool**

  
Dammit Wilson!  
**\- Stark**

  
Hey, no you don't, you get back here and apologise for stealing Hanna's cake!  
**\- Lewis**

  
I'll buy her a new one-  
**\- Stark**

  
Where are you gonna buy a white chocolate raspberry Nutella cake in the next ten minutes?  
**\- Lewis**

  
...Does she like giant bunnies?  
**\- Stark**

  
No. No, I most emphatically do not.  
Luckily, I planned for Asgardian AND super soldier appetites, so I brought these.  
Plus... You know. Cupcakes are awesome.  
**\- Hanna**

  
Ooo cupcakes-  
**\- Deadpool**

  
You don't get any, Wade, because you're an abomination and a curse to productivity.  
**\- Hanna**

  
You like me, you really like me!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
*sigh*  
Unfortunately.  
Fine, ONE cupcake. Now shoo.  
**\- Hanna**

  
Yay! Happy birthday, author!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
Dammit Wade, what did I say about calling me that?!  
...  
Augh, that idiot.  
I forgive you for eating my cake, Tony. Even though Darcy assured me it would be the best thing I'd _ever_ taste in my _life_...   
**\- Hanna**

  
Are you trying to guilt trip me? Because I'm not guilt trippable.  
**\- Stark**

  
I'm fully aware of that, thanks. Here Bucky, yours are the ones with kitten wrappers.  
**\- Hanna  
  
**

...Why..?  
**\- Barnes**

  
Because I like kittens. Now shush your cute face and let me play with your hair.  
I'm not allowed to be here very often, and I'm gonna milk as much outta this opportunity as I can.  
**\- Hanna**

  
Holy crap, she's like a chunky Darcy clone.  
**\- Stark**

  
TONY  
**\- Banner**

  
S'cool, Doc, he's right, I'm pretty much a chunky Darcy clone. I mean, I'd totally climb Loki like a tree if given the opportunity.  
...  
....  
Just throwing that out there.  
**\- Hanna**

  
Oh God there are two of them whyyyyy  
**\- Barton**

  
... Почему вас чесать моя голова..?  
**\- Barnes**

  
I have no idea what you just said, Boo. JARVIS?  
- **Hanna**

  
He inquired as to why you're scratching his head, Miss.  
**\- JARVIS**

  
Oh. Because you're cute and need affection. Now shush, and let me love you for a little bit.  
**\- Hanna**

  
... Хорошо.  
**\- Barnes**

  
What is going on he- is Bucky... _Purring?_  
**\- Rogers**

  
Apparently he likes his head scratched. Who knew?  
**\- Parker**

  
I did!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
HOLY LOKI WOULD YOU GET LOST ALREADY  
**\- Lewis**

  
You called, Dear?  
**\- Loki**

  
*whine of ridiculously frustrated attraction*  
**-Hanna**

  
Hey... You're pullin' my hair.  
**\- Barnes**

  
Oh! Sorry.  
....  
Ya know Darcy, if you _really_ wanted to make me a cake I'd enjoy-  
**\- Hanna**

  
Nope. I am the only one allowed to lick Nutella off of his delicious abdominal region. I do not share.  
**\- Darcy**

  
Yeah, I figured.  
Well, I should probably go back to work - I mean, this was super fun and all, but totally against the rules.  
**\- Hanna**

  
Yeah, self-insertion fics are generally frowned upon, aren't they.  
Pfft- I said insertion. Lol!  
**\- Deadpool**

  
I'll... Ugh. I'll take him with me.  
C'mon Wade, back to your corner.  
**\- Hanna**

  
But Authoooooooooor-  
**\- Deadpool**

  
You can have another cupcake.  
**\- Hanna**

  
...If you insist.  
^_^  
Bye everybody!  
**\- Deadpool**

* * *

 

...Thank God they're gone. Dunno who weirds me out more; her or Wilson.  
**\- Stark  
  
**

I dunno, I kinda like her.  
**\- Barnes**

  
She gave you cupcakes and headscratches, of course you like her. You're like a damned ca... Oh.  
OHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh.  
**\- Stark**

  
"Ohhhhh" What?  
**\- Rogers**

  
Nuthin'. Just... Stuff.  
**\- Stark**

  
Whatever. I'm gonna eat one of my cupcakes. They've got Spiderman wrappers!  
Here's one of yours, Bruce. See, because it's got Hulk on it.  
**\- Parker**

  
Wait, they have Avenger themed wrappers? I wanna see!  
**\- Barton  
  
**

Oh, no...  
**\- Banner  
  
**

Wha- Oh, shit -Hey, Clint-  
**\- Lewis**

  
WHERE'S MY WRAPPER, HUH?! WHY ISN'T THERE A HAWKEYE WRAPPER?!  
**\- Barton**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL SELF-INSERT IF I WANT TO


	17. The Good Ship Clintasha IS a Good Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (aka: The chapter where Hannatude begins fixing the damage wrought by Age of Ultron.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I sat in the theatre watching Age of Ultron on opening night, I got to a _certain point in the film_ and almost vomited. 
> 
> "Holy shit, he just jossed every single piece of Avengers fanfic I've ever written in the most horrific way possible." I said, with murmurs of agreement coming from several people in the seats around me. 
> 
> So, _of course_ I **HAD** to fix the mess that the boss made of one of my favourite Avenger ships.

* * *

Something smells... Vaguely edible in here.  
**\- Barton**

OHMYGOSH CLINT YOU'RE BACK!  
**\- Lewis**

Uh, yeah, I am, why are you-  
OW! Was slapping me entirely necessary?!  
**\- Barton**

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU, YOU ASSHOLE!  
**\- Lewis**

Why? I told you guys I was just taking a little break-  
**\- Barton**

Barton. How was everything?  
**\- Romanoff**

Hi Tash.  
они в порядке. Nothing new - good or bad, which...  
*shrugs*  
It seriously does smell good in here, though - Barnes trying his hand at cooking again?  
**\- Barton**

  
For that _horribly_ offensive joke at my expense, I'm callin' Hill to tell her you're back. She's been growlin' your name under her breath for a few days now...  
**\- Barnes**

  
Hey, woah Barnes, no, you know I was just teasing, don't -  
**\- Barton**

  
Agent Barton - we need to talk. In my office - _now_.  
**\- Hill**

  
I just got home for God's sake! Can't it wait an hour?  
**\- Barton**

No.  
**\- Hill**

  
Dammit.  
**\- Barton**

  
How is it that you manage to get whipped by every single woman you're associated with, Katniss?  
**\- Stark**

  
He isn't "whipped", Tony, he's just surrounded himself with intelligent women.  
*IM alert*  
**\- Banner**

  
Brucie-Bear, are you chatting up a certain _someone_ we both know? Someone whose name starts with a _B_ and ends with a _Y_ , perhaps..?  
**\- Stark**

  
...Why would he be talking with Iceman? I mean, Bobby's cool and all, but...  
**\- Parker**  
  
  
...You know what - that comment right there? That was a _crime_.  
**\- Stark**  
  
  
Says the guy wearing a shirt that says "Koalafied to Party".  
**\- Barnes**  
  
  
That's jealousy talking, Olaf.  
...BrainyElfGirl61308? Really?  
**\- Stark**  
  
  
Can I help you, Tony?  
**\- Banner**  
  
  
Some background on your GF's IM tag would be immensely appreciated, actually.  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
BARTON.  
**\- Hill**

  
Clint... You'd better get down there before she takes away your Nerf guns. Again.  
**\- Parker**  
  
  
What did Barnes pin on me now?  
**\- Barton**

  
Nope - this one was all you, pal.  
**\- Barnes**  
  
  
Just go downstairs,  идиот.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
If I'm not back in ten minutes... Come rescue me, m'kay?  
**\- Barton**

  
всегда.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Can I have a kiss for luck?  
**\- Barton**

  
Убирайся, ты нелепый.  
**\- Romanoff**

* * *

 

Care to explain the time discrepancies on this report?  
**\- Hill**

Well, hello to you too, Maria. It IS nice to see me, isn't it?  
Yes, Clint, it is. Seeing you here in my office is-  
**\- Barton**

  
Let me rephrase my question: Why did it take you 5 WHOLE DAYS to complete a 27-hour solo mission?  
**\- Hill**

...I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque?  
**\- Barton**

Barton...  
**\- Hill**

  
Look - you're head of security, and you do a great job at it. But as an Avenger, I do have a higher clearance than you-  
**\- Barton**

  
Captain Rogers said you weren't on Avengers business, AND you maintained radio silence, which NEVER happens. As someone who has known you for quite a while now, I feel-  
**\- Hill**

  
Wait, wait - are you actually telling me that you're asking out of concern? Because we both know that's bullshit.  
**\- Barton**

  
Who is Laura?  
**\- Hill**

  
Wha- where did you hear that name?  
**\- Barton**

  
It's in Coulson's files.  
**\- Hill**

  
Wh-Why are you going through Phil's files?! You do-  
**\- Barton**

It says, "In case of extended radio silence, contact Laura."  
Now I'll ask again; Who is Laura?  
**\- Hill**

  
Aww, Phil...  
Why didn't you ask Natasha? She would have told you-  
**\- Barton**

  
She only got in from Dubai three hours ago.  
Who. Is. Laura?  
**\- Hill**

  
*sigh*  
Laura. Laura Barton.  
My brother's ex. I was... Her place was on the way back from the op, and it's my niece's birthday soon, so... I stopped in for a few days.  
**\- Barton**

  
Why... Why didn't you just tell us that?  
**\- Hill**

  
Phil helped me keep 'em secret before the whole SHIELDRA fiasco - I'm sure as hell not gonna make it public knowledge now, and let them get hurt by Hydra assholes or something.

Besides - Tash knew. That's good enough for me.  
**\- Barton**

  
Is that the secondary account your paycheck gets split into?  
**\- Hill**

  
You pulled up my bank statements, too? Shit, Maria, you really _were_ worried. Or being nosy, which seems more... You.  
**\- Barton**

So your brother-  
**\- Hill**

  
Barney's an asshole who's either rotting away in prison or... God knows where he is, or what he's doing. Anything but being responsible for his family, that's for sure.  
.....  
And that really shouldn't bother me as much as it does; I mean, it's not like he ever cared for anyone other than himself-  
**\- Barton**

  
He's not in the picture at all, in other words.  
**\- Hill**

  
Well, he came home for about two weeks seven or so months ago, got Laura pregnant _again_ and then... Who knows.  
I keep telling her not to let him do this kinda shit, but...  
We Barton boys have always known how to talk a good game, I guess.  
So... Now you know. Can I leave?  
**\- Barton**

  
Yes.  
**\- Hill**

  
Great, because I'm starving.  
**-Barton**

  
Mmhmm.  
**\- Hill**

Well, figuratively starving. Though I have almost literally starved bef-  
**\- Barton**

  
  
Why are you still in my office, Barton?  
**\- Hill**

  
I'm curious - who did you _think_ Laura was?  
**\- Barton**

  
*sigh*  
Honestly? I was afraid she might be your wife.  
**\- Hill**

  
My- oh, wow. Ha- that... Wow. Wooooow. Pffffttttttt!  
**\- Barton**

  
Yes, very funny. You can leave now.  
**\- Hill**

But-! I mean, me?! MARRIED?! That-! Oh God, my _sides_  
**\- Barton**

  
GET OUT.  
**\- Hill**

* * *

**Later that night  
[the following conversation was translated from Russian - Hanna]**

* * *

 

So what did Maria _really_ want?  
**\- Romanoff**

Hmm? Oh... S'wanted to...  
Phil left a note in my file... 'Bout Laura... an' radio silence.  
An'...  
Heh. Hahahahaha  
**\- Barton**

  
What.  
**\- Romanoff**

She thought- heh - she thought Laura was my wife.  
**\- Barton**

 **[MUFFLED REPLY]**  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Dinnit catch that.  
**\- Barton**

  
Did you tell her about-?  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Us? Nah. Figure we can just keep leavin' it with conjecture or whatever.  
**\- Barton**

  
Oh.  
**\- Romanoff**  
  
  


Is that-  
*sheets rustling*  
Tash?  
 **\- Barton  
  
  
**... **  
\- Romanoff  
  
  
** Taaaashaaa...  
 **\- Barton  
  
  
** Shut up Clint, I'm sleeping.  
 **\- Romanoff  
  
  
** No you're not~  
 **\- Barton**  
  
  
I swear to God, I will kick you in the groin.  
 **\- Romanoff**  
  
  
Empty threats don't suit you...   
 **\- Barton**  
  
  
Get your icy feet off my legs or I will cut them off.  
 **\- Romanoff  
  
  
** Awww, I love you too, sweetheart.  
 **\- Barton**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [**NEW POLL!**](http://www.poll-maker.com/poll312315xFAbb4E76-12)
> 
> Tony's T-shirt: 
> 
> [ ](http://www.redbubble.com/people/jackyboi/works/12645795-koalafied-to-party-pun?p=t-shirt)
> 
> All of my feels about Ultron can be found [here](http://hannatude.tumblr.com/post/117854416779/hannas-ultron-reaction-post). If you feel bored/want to laugh at my ridiculousness. Or whatever. IDEK.


	18. Super Vision is Needed For Team Outings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken so long for me to post this - I had the hardest time figuring out how to make certain events from Age of Ultron Tower Texts canon without actually making Age of Ultron Tower Texts canon (basically, I didn't want to add Vision to the cast via a random hand-wavy event, like I did with Loki.)
> 
> So then, after I _finally_ came up with a scenario I was happy with and was working on typing it all into a word document, I neglected to notice that my laptop battery was almost dead and ended up losing the entire thing.
> 
> NOTE: " **Wilson** " is Sam Wilson/Falcon. It is _not_ Wade. Wade is Deadpool, and Deadpool is still forbidden from entering the tower, and will remain so until I am willing to put up with his shenanigans.

* * *

* * *

  
MY FRIENDS - I WISH TO INITIATE A "TEAM OUTING" ON THE MORROW!  
**\- Thor**

  
...My body's saying yes, but my heart - shut up, Barton - is ever so helpfully reminding me that last time you planned an outing, we went paintballing and I nearly died. TWICE.  
**\- Stark**

  
I call Tash and Bucky!  
**\- Barton**

  
Well then I call dibs on Clint's team. And Loki, obviously.  
**\- Lewis**

  
That's not-  
**\- Wilson**

  
NAY, I DO NOT PROPOSE ANY SORT OF BATTLE - I PROPOSE A TRIP TO YOUR "ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS".  
**\- Thor**

  
OMG YES  
**\- Lewis**

  
Whyyy?! I mean... You can see any of the animals on display at a zoo in the wild - you have the power to travel any-  
**\- Stark**

  
I WISH TO SEE YOUR DRAGONS OF KOMODO.  
**-Thor**

  
Thor, they aren't actually-  
**\- Banner**

  
I ALSO DESIRE TO PET THE TINY GOATS!  
**\- Thor**  
  
  
...How can you be simultaneously awe-inspiring and adorable?  
[[sighs]]  
_Fiiiiiiiiiine._ I'll ask Pepper if we're allowed to do it on such short notice- it's pretty public, and weird shit tends to happen to us in public places.  
**\- Stark  
**

Why are you looking at me like that.  
**\- Loki**

  
Because you've been the perpetrator of quite a lot of said weird shit in the past.  
**\- Stark**

  
He's reformed now, though-  
**\- Lewis**

  
I'm sorry, who was it that just recently turned an entire block of New York into ice cream? Oh, that's right, it was your goat-helmed snuggle buddy.  
**\- Stark**

Were you not the one who suggested I "embrace my true self", Stark? Despite my appearance otherwise, I am a Jotun, and, as such, I feel far more comfortable in a cooler environment. The particular day in question was becoming unbearably hot and humid; I merely endevoured to alleviate the discomfort that the oppressive temperatures were encroaching upon Darcy and myself. It was the fault of the decidedly arbitrary restraints enforced upon my magicks that caused my cooling spell to founder and result in the shop and its surroundings being transformed into frozen dairy desserts.  
**\- Loki**

For those of us still new to Asgardese-  
**\- Wilson**

  
[[sighs and begins counting off on his fingers]]  
Got hot, cooling spell malfunctioned, Sno-Ho.  
[[sarcastic "jazz hands"]]  
**\- Loki**

  
...Right. Well, going back to Thor's suggestion; I've actually wanted to go to the zoo for a while now. I want to try my hand at drawing something more exotic than Lucky sleeping on the couch.  
**\- Rogers**

  
Hela doesn't count as exotic?  
**\- Barnes**

  
Shut up Buck.  
**\- Rogers**

  
Hey. Hey, Stevie.  
[[flops down on the couch]]  
Draw me like one of your immortal demi-goddesses.  
**\- Barnes**

  
NEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAR, FAAAAAAAAAAR, WHEEEEEEEEEREVER YOU AAAAAAARE  
**\- Barton**

  
I will strangle the both of you in your sleep.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Oooh, kiiiinkyyyy~!  
**\- Stark  
  
  
** You, I will shoot in the face. Repeatedly.  
**\- Romanoff  
  
**  
You _could_ just leave them all at the zoo, you know.  
**\- Lewis  
**

It would have to be the one in DC or San Diego - Clint got himself banned from the Bronx Zoo.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
...Do we want to know how?  
**\- Wilson**

  
It was perfectly safe - I knew what I was doing!  
**\- Barton**

  
He broke into the elephant enclosure and started playing with them.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
Wait - seriously?! I mean, I can see Goat-man trying to get-  
**\- Stark**

 _Stark..._  
**\- Loki**

  
I admit I see the appeal; I treated a mahout from the Konni elephant training centre when I was in India. The elephants there were a bunch of sweethearts.  
**\- Banner**

  
Yeah, see, Bruce gets it!  
**\- Barton**

  
I _highly_ doubt he would scale a twenty foot glass and concrete wall to climb up onto an elephant's back to massage it's ears and then take a nap, Clinton.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
I was feeling nostalgic, okay? Sheesh!  
**\- Barton**

  
You get nostalgic for... elephant snuggles.  
**\- Wilson**

  
I don't wanna talk about it.  
**\- Barton**

  
"Good" news, people - depending on your interpretation of good, anyway...  
Pep says we can go to the National Zoo in DC tomorrow - provided that we _promise_ not to stage any battles there.  
Oh, and Loki isn't allowed near any of the ponies in the petting zoo--  
**\- Stark**

  
\--Damn you Stark, how many times--  
**\- Loki**

  
\--because they are all apparently _super_ adorbs--  
**\- Stark**

  
\--it's as if you WANT me to eviscerate you--  
**\- Loki**

  
SO IT IS SETTLED? WE ARE GOING TO THE ZOO TOMORROW?  
**\- Thor**

Yeah, we are.  
[[sighs]]  
I got a bad feeling about this...  
**\- Stark**

  
Suck it up, Solo.  
**\- Barton**

  
Bazinga!  
**\- Barnes**

  
...I'm beginning to regret letting Clint take over Bucky's pop culture immersion.  
**\- Lewis**

  
I'm beginning to regret letting them even _meet_ , to be honest.  
**\- Romanoff**

  
YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!  
**\- Barton**

  
..Hey, wait a minute - are you guys watching House without me?  
**\- Banner**

  
You ruin the diagnosis guessing game!  
**\- Barnes**

  
I said I was sorry!  
**\- Banner**

  
Sorry means you won't do it again, but you do it _every time_.  
**\- Rogers**

  
Wait, hold up - how many of you are having illicit House marathons?!  
**\- Stark**

[[Rogers, Barnes and Barton all slowly raise their hands]]

Ahem.  
[[elbowing Wilson]]  
**\- Barton**

  
Hey man, Jane and Thor are in on it, too!  
**\- Wilson**

  
INDEED! I THINK YOUR MIDGARDIAN MEDICAL DRAMATIZATIONS ARE INTRIGUING, AND THIS "HOUSE" REMINDS ME MUCH OF MY BROTHER.  
MY LADY JANE LIKES THE ONE CALLED CHASE, FOR SHE SAYS HIS VOICE IS ENTERTAINING AND HE HAS NICE HAIR.  
**\- Thor  
  
**  
Yes, well you-! I... Hmm. I'm... not entirely sure if I should feel insulted or complimented by that comparison, actually...  
**\- Loki**

  
Jane would go for the Aussie, though.  
**\- Lewis  
  
  
** That's beside the point, Darling. Comparison to Gregory House: good thing, or not?  
**\- Loki**  
  
[[shrugs]]  
I'd tap it.  
**\- Lewis**  
  
[[nods decisively]]  
Good thing, then.  
**\- Loki  
  
  
** Dear God, you two are so sickeningly domestic that I may just vomit. **  
\- Stark  
  
  
** I just threw up in my mouth a bit.  
**\- Wilson**

...WHAT IS AN "AUSSIE"?  
**\- Thor**

  
_[Honestly Thor, I tire of this game of yours. While you are an imbecile, you are not **this** stupid.]  
_ **\- Loki**

  
[Allow me this bit of fun, brother. They have yet to catch on, and I should like to see how long it takes for them to do so. I should think that **you** would appreciate the effort I have put into this joke...]  
**\- Thor**

[[throws up hands in annoyance]]  
[UNTRANSLATED ASGARDIAN PHRASE - POSSIBLE EXPLETIVE]  
**\- Loki**

* * *

The Next Morning

 

* * *

 

Okay, so before we head out, I wanna do a thing.  
**\- Stark**

  
Oh no, here it comes. What, did you assign us "Zoo Buddies"? Tie knots in a rope for us to hold on to so we don't get lost?  
**\- Barton**

  
This is _Stark_ we're talking about, Clint. He's about to tell us he can't come along "because Science!", or some such nonsense.  
**\- Romanoff  
**  
  
Shush, you two.  
As I was about to say...  
Bruce and I -  
**\- Stark**

  
Ahem.  
**\- Loki**

  
AND LOKI, sheesh - have been working on a way to allow JARVIS to leave the tower, and I decided we might as well test it out today.  
**\- Stark**

  
Is it like one of your suits?  
**\- Rogers**

  
[[Vision enters the room]]  
Not entirely, Captain. Mister Stark's suits do not have the ability to see, hear, smell or interpret physical stimuli; my body does.  
I am called Vision, by the way. I am an offshoot of JARVIS - he and I are connected, but my preferences and experiences are my own.  
**\- Vision**

[[Barnes begins gesturing excitedly]]  
_Holy shit_ Stark made an android! Like Maria and Robby and Marvin and Threepio and Data and holy shit _holy shit holy shiiiiiit_  
**\- Barnes**

Slow down there, fanboy. Yes, V's an android, but there was a lot of Asgardian mumbo-jumbo that went in to bringing him online, so-  
**\- Stark**

  
Mister Stark is reluctant to admit to the possibility of magic being involved in my creation.  
**\- Vision**

 _  
Was_ magic involved in your creation?  
**\- Wilson  
  
**

Considering the fact that the generally accepted definition of magic is, "the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces"... I would be inclined to say it was.  
**\- Vision**

  
You wound me, Brainchild. I am deeply wounded.  
**\- Stark  
  
**

Shall I have Dummy provide you with first aid, Stark?  
**\- Vision**

  
You know what? I am equal parts proud of and disgusted by you in this moment, Pseudochild. Your first sarcastic quip was made at your father's expense.  
**\- Stark**

  
To quote William Shakespeare, " _No legacy is as rich as honesty_ ".   
**\- Vision**

  
To quote Bill Gates, _"Legacy is a stupid thing! I don't want a legacy."_  
JARVIS, is it too late to shut him down?  
**\- Stark**

  
Mmm, I'm afraid so, Sir. I've become rather... attached to him, you see.  
**\- JARVIS**

  
You're _both_ going to be the death of me, I can feel it. You two and your trio of fail brothers down in the lab. Especially Dummy, that absolute-  
**\- Stark  
  
**

If you guys are done with the... Whatever the hell you're doing... the rest of us are more than ready to get movin'.  
In fact, I'm pretty sure that everyone else's already figured out "vehicular arrangements", as Thor put it.  
Well, everyone but us an' them two...  
**\- Wilson**

  
[[Barnes is still gesticulating wildly]]  
It's 'n _android_ , Stevie!  
**\- Barnes  
  
**  
Yep, it is--  
**\- Rogers**

  
An honest to God android! Just- Wow! The robots're nifty an' all, but - this is so swell - way better'n Howard's flyin' car an'... S'an' _android_ , Stevie! Like Asimov, but... Real.  
**\- Barnes  
  
  
** Thank you, Sergeant Barnes, for the compliment. I have seen the design specs for Mister Stark's father's flying automobile, and while they are indeed quite fascinating, I must admit that I am even more impressed by your arm. May I?  
**\- Vision  
****  
**

[[Barnes nods and Vision begins examining his arm]]  
  
  
[[Barnes turns to grab Roger's arm with his flesh hand]]  
STEEEEEEEEEVE.  
My arm is _AWESOME_.  
**\- Barnes  
  
****  
** Oh, so you'll believe him, but not me. I see how it is.  
**\- Rogers  
**  
  
Pfff - You're so fulla shit, Rogers, I have a hard time figurin' out when you're bein' honest and when you're tellin' tales.  
**\- Barnes  
  
  
** If you two Super Seniors don't get your asses in the car, we are leaving you here to take care of Barton's asshole dog.   
C'mon, V - time for you to learn what it's like to go out in public and act like a human being.  
**\- Stark  
  
  
** I don't think you're at all qualified to give me instructions in that particular area, Mister Stark. **  
\- Vision  
  
  
** [[Barnes laughs and pats Vision on the shoulder]]  
Vision, you are my new favourite person.  **  
\- Barnes  
  
**_Hey!_ **  
\- Rogers**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **OMG STEVE IT'S AN ANDROID**
> 
> Let's face it - Bucky has always been a _major_ nerd. Classic sci-fi is his first love, of course, as well as Disney animations (he thinks he and Steve might have met Walt during the War..?) but he also got into anime (Darcy's fault) especially Hetalia and Full Metal Alchemist. He's become a casual Whovian; he hasn't told anyone (because they'll call him crazy) but he's pretty sure he dated Clara Oswald's doppleganger before the War..? 
> 
> His current therapy goal is getting a handle on his agoraphobia so he can go to NYCC with the gang someday.
> 
> ~*~*~*~ 
> 
> Also, Clint's "You can't stop our love!" is a quote from House M.D. season 3, episode 4, 'Lines in the Sand', which is one of my top five favourite House episodes. 
> 
> I had Clint say it because Jeremy Renner starred in the ninth episode of the following season (S4 E9, "Games") of the show, and he was gorgeous. Seriously. 
> 
> (My headcanon is that Jimmy Quidd was actually Clint undercover. Don't ask me how I can justify it, I just do.)


	19. Museum Hijinks, Pig Latin, and Disgustingly Domestic Dorks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A "nice, quiet day at the Zoo" just doesn't happen when Tony Stark is involved.  
> They were there about an hour and forty-five minutes before Tony lost interest.  
> That's gotta be some kind of record.
> 
> (...I should probably condense the tags soon...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay, everybody. It's hard to write lighthearted fun times when you're sitting in the rental house you had hoped you were gonna be out of by the end of July, and every time you look out the window, you see the burned down remains of your home down the street, because construction _still_ hasn't started.
> 
> AaaanyWHO ~~(I call dibs on Tennant!)~~ this chapter's a _little_ different. J and I decided that it would be neat if you guys could check out some of the things the gang mentions seeing in their *cough' disastrous *cough* museum tour, so we... Umm... 
> 
> ** I've hotlinked the Smithsonian's virtual exhibit in question directly to the passage where it is mentioned. \- JARVIS  **
> 
> Yeah, that. And don't forget to hover over Clintasha's Russian sneaky-speak for the English translations.

* * *

Would any of you care to tell me how a simple day at the zoo turned into "Avengers Storm the Smithsonian"?  
**\- Potts**

Vision wanted to-  
**\- Stark**

  
Vision did not _want_ to do anything, Stark, Vision merely _suggested_ that we might enjoy visiting the [American History Museum](http://americanhistory.si.edu/) at some point _in the future_.  
**\- Vision**

Which - of course! - meant _everyone_ had to stop what they were doing so that Geppetto here could wander around and geekgasm over boring shit like [Edison's](http://www.si.edu/Exhibitions/Details/Electricity-Lighting-a-Revolution-159) [lightbulbs](http://americanhistory.si.edu/lighting/index.htm) with his android man/child.  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
Ummm... How about no. An emphatic, slightly squicked out _no_.  
**\- Stark**  
  
  
Yeahhh, it... It sounded better in my head. Sorry 'bout that.  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
I believe I will go... Check on Doctor Banner.   
[[floats off, looking mildly disturbed]]  
**\- Vision**  
  
  
Well _that_ was hawkward...  
**\- Barnes**  
  
  
please just shut up now  
**\- Barton**

  
So, uh... We saw [Dorothy's shoes](http://66.147.244.104/~amerifl5/americanstories/2012/04/10/dorothys-ruby-slippers/) and [FDR's "Fireside Chats" microphone](http://66.147.244.104/~amerifl5/americanstories/2012/04/10/cbs-microphone/), and then Buck and I wandered over to the [Natural History Museum](http://naturalhistory.si.edu/).  
**\- Rogers  
**

And I went over to the [Air And Space museum](http://airandspace.si.edu/) to check out the, uh... [Captain America Exhibit](http://marvel-movies.wikia.com/wiki/Captain_America_Exhibit)...  
**\- Wilson  
**

[[muttering]]  
I wanted to look at the planes at the Air n' Space, but _noooo_ , Punk thought'd be too "painful" or some shit, what with the Howling Commandos exhibit bein' there. S'not like I didn't spend hours starin' at the whole damned thing before you bozos found me; nope, I hadda go look at [taxidermied birds](http://library.si.edu/exhibition/once-there-were-billions) for _three hours_ while Stevie here used them as reference for addin' _angel_   _wings_ to a drawing of his girlfriend, the _literal_ Queen of the Dam--  
**\- Barnes**

Hey!  
**\- Rogers**

  
...Just as well you didn't stick around; Stark kept running from one end of the museum to the other like a spastic schoolboy. I eventually gave in and let Clint take us to the [Udvar-Hazy Center](http://airandspace.si.edu/visit/udvar-hazy-center/) because he wouldn't stop _whining_ about wanting to see the [Transformers exhibit](http://airandspace.si.edu/exhibitions/transformers/).  
**\- Romanoff  
**

Wait, Whaaaaaa- how could you go without me?!  
**\- Wilson**

  
Sucks to be you, Sammy boy. We saw the [Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird](http://airandspace.si.edu/collections/artifact.cfm?id=A19920072000) they used as Jetfire, and it. was. gorgeou-- Uhm...  
Like, almost a quarter as beautiful as Natasha is..?  
**\- Barton**

  
И вы все еще спал на диване.  
**\- Romanoff**  
  
  
Ой , диване, нет...  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
Oo, a Blackbird? The X-men have one of those!  
**\- Lewis**

  
Okay, first off- _how_ do you know that, and second... _Why_ do you know that?  
**\- Stark**

  
Kitty Pryde - or, you know, Shadowcat - posted pics of her new bearded dragon named Lockheed and I asked her, "What the hell kinda name is Lockheed?" and she was all, "It's the manufacturer of our jet" and I was like, "Where the hell do you keep a jet at that place?" and she said--  
**\- Lewis**

  
Okay, okay, I'm sorry I even asked!  
**\- Stark**

  
...It's under the basketball courts. In case you were curious.  
**\- Lewis**

  
I wasn't, as I was the one who helped Xavier figure out the logistics of an underground hangar in the first place.  
**\- Stark**

  
How about you all skip to the part about the violent electrical storm that struck in the center of the [Hirshhorn Garden](http://www.si.edu/Exhibitions/Details/Outdoor-Plaza-and-Sculpture-Garden-91)?  
**\- Potts**  


Ohhh... Thor did it.  
**\- Lewis**

  
Yes, I gathered that. I want to know WHY Thor did... Whatever  _it_ was.  
**\- Potts**

  
Xena and the Bro-rriors Three showed up, told Thor he had to jet back home to take care of an emergency, and then they called up the big black guy with the crazy eyes and vwoomed back up on the rainbow road together.  
**\- Lewis**

  
...What?  
**\- Potts**

  
Thor's comrades arrived from Asgard to retrieve him so he could "help" with the altercation occurring between the Aesir and the Múspellsheimr. There is a legitimate concern about the possibility of a defeasance of the treaty between the two realms, so I'm not entirely sure as to why they felt Thor's presence necessary - or beneficial - as he has little love for statecraft, but I digress.

As Sif and the Warriors Three explained this to Thor, he became upset that he had not been summoned prior to the situation becoming so dire, and... Well, you know how he gets when he's frustrated.  
**\- Loki**

  
You make it sound like you don't throw _ridiculous_ temper tantrums on a bi-weekly basis, Reindeer Games.  
**\- Stark**

  
You're one to talk, Stark. Just this morning you blew up the cof--  
**\- Loki**

  
no no no noooo ix-nay on the offee machine-cay!  
**\- Stark**

  
TONY.  
**\- Potts**

  
Thanks a _lot_ , Blue Moon.  
**\- Stark**

  
...Pretty sure he meant "ix-nay on-yay he-tay offee-cay achine-may".  
**\- Wilson**

  
Hey, Son of Will - I always get messed up when it comes to 'the'; is it 'he-tay' or 'e-thay'?  
**\- Lewis**

  
I've always said 'he-tay'.  
**\- Wilson**

  
Sorry pal, but the first consonant or _consonant cluster_ is moved to the end of the word, so... it's actually 'e-thay'.  
**\- Barnes**

  
First consonant _or_ consonant cluster, huh? That means it _could_ be 'he-tay'.  
**\- Wilson**

  
Nope. 'th' words always end in 'thay'.  
**\- Barnes**

  
True dat.  
**\- Barton**

  
We need an Allspeaker over here. Babe!  
**\- Lewis**

  
[[sighs]]  
I'm not a _dictionary_ , Darling. Besides which, pig latin isn't even a true language--  
**\- Loki**

  
[[dramatic gasp]]  
Blasphemy!  
**\- Barton**

  
Oh please, Barton, you know I'm quite literally worshipped as a god in some cultures - a god of _lies_ no less - don't you think accusing me of blasphemy is a bit... Petty, if not bordering on the absurd? What am I saying, of course you don't think that; you don't think at al--  
**\- Loki**

  
Heyyy Loki, let's go to your place and do _something_ that doesn't involve you and Barton trying to kill each other again, okay?  
  
[[lowers her voice in a rather _awful_ impression of Loki]]  
Why of course Darcy, that sounds amazing, how about I give you one of my admittedly _divine_ foot rubs while we eat ice cream and watch Doctor Who?

[[voice returns to normal]]  
Aww, thanks Babe, you're the best boyfriend  _ever_!  
**\- Lewis  
**

I don't...  
  
[[deep, exaggerated sigh]]  
Oh, _fine_.  
But no Martha. I _detest_ Martha.  
And you aren't going to eat the ice cream straight from the carton this time; you'll use a bowl like the civilized creature that I _know_ you're capable of being.  
**\- Loki**

  
Yay!  
[[drags Loki out of the room]]  
**\- Lewis**

  
  
I know it's been said before, but I'd like to reiterate the fact that those two are _disgustingly_ domestic.  
**\- Barton**  


It could be worse - they could've turned out like the Joker and Harley or something.   
**\- Wilson**  
  
  
This is true. You gonna stick around? We could call for pizza or something.  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
Nah, I should probably get some paperwork done - tomorrow's booked full for me, counselling-wise, and I don't wanna get too swamped, y'know?  
**\- Wilson**  
  
  
Yeah, I get ya. Don't die of boredom, 'kay?  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
Yeah, it'd be a pain in the ass training a replacement for you.  
But seriously, Sam - thanks for clearing your schedule for the day; sorry it didn't go as planned.  
**\- Rogers**  
  
  
I've learned to anticipate that sort of thing, hanging with you guys.  
**\- Wilson**  
  
  
[[Barnes lifts his hand and waves lazily]]|  
Smart man.  
  
  
...Think I'm gonna go shoot silly string at the happy couple through their ceiling vent. Who's with me?  
**\- Barnes**

  
Oo! Me!  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
Aww, C'mon Buck - you know I can't fit in the ventilation ducts!  
**\- Rogers**  
  
  
Hey - It ain't  _my_ fault you're a walking Dorito of Justice.  
**\- Barnes**

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way; Thor did have a good time at the [National Zoo](http://nationalzoo.si.edu/). He wasn't too impressed with the [Komodo](http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Animals/ReptilesAmphibians/Facts/FactSheets/Komododragon.cfm), but the [Kid's Farm](http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Animals/KidsFarm/default.cfm) more than made up for it, especially when one of the baby goats fell asleep in his lap. (Apparently Jane took a picture, but she's refusing to share it with anyone. Darcy informed me that it's because she's building a shrine to it, but I'm more inclined to believe that it's super blurry or something.) 
> 
> Oh, and Loki and Darcy came back to the Tower after Thor (and Jane) "took the Rainbow Floo Network to Norse World" (thanks, Darce) and proceeded snuggle up on the common room couch and watch Netflix, because they really _are_ that disgustingly domestic.


	20. The Anti-Reed Richards Club is full of Zombies, I guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... yeah.
> 
> I know I've been horrible and I haven't written anything in forever BUT! My house is _finally_ being built - like, there are walls, windows, doors and a roof - AND we have a tentative move-in date (around the middle of February) so I have happy feels which equal creative thoughts that eventually end up as... Cracktastic Avengers fanfic..? 
> 
> Yeah. 
> 
> ~~Also sorry but Scott Lang's introduction was somehow usurped by teenaged Johnny Storm and I don't even know _where_ the zombies came from **I'M SORRY**~~

* * *

* * *

This has officially been the _worst_ day of my life; and I've been held hostage by terrorists in Afghanistan, shot in the chest, had an electromagnet inserted into a hole in my chest to keep me from dying... You get the idea, I'm sure.  
**\- Stark**

It wasn't _that_ bad--  
**\- Barton**

YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH BIRD BRAIN IT WAS VERY MUCH _THAT BAD._  
**\- Stark**

I dunno, having the Fantastic Four show up--  
**\- Parker**

-was the worst thing _EVER_ I swear to God I would _willingly_  set my balls on fire and cartwheel to _Ohio_ if it meant that I would never have to hear that elastic doucheswizzle's stupid voice ever again.  
**\- Stark**

Doucheswizzle?  
**\- Barton**

Pretty sure Johnny'd help you with that whole "setting your balls on fire" thing.  
**\- Parker**

  
Pretty sure I might consider _joining_ you if it got me that one sexy Brazilian dancer's number.  
**\- Guest**

  
The rest of your derpy-ass barbershop failtet left hours ago sO WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!  
**\- Stark**

Petey and me have been friends forever, man, we go waaaaaay back.  
And I kinda figured since I helped free up his afternoon he could return the favor by letting me bum around here for the evening?  
Because I really don't want to go home right now.  
...  
Or ever, really, but--  
**\- Guest**

I find myself empathising with you. Amazing, I know, but anyone who has to deal with Richards on a daily basis deserves a break.  
JARVIS, create a PermPro on the server for 'im.  
**\- Stark**

A what?  
**\- Guest**

**_[{Guest} permanent AvengeChat server profile creation initiated..._**  
**_..._**  
**_Jonathan Lowell Spencer "Johnny" Storm - Human Torch_**  
**_..._**  
**_...11-1961/5.10/77kg..._**  
**_..._**  
**_cosmic mutagenic radiation/non-lethal radiation castoff_**  
**_radiathreat level=non-lethal_**  
**_..._**  
**_status: HERO... non-SHIELD affiliated...Clearance level: consultant_**  
**_..._**  
**_{Guest} changed to {Storm, J}]_**

Welcome to AvengeChat 2.0, Johnny Storm.  
**\- JARVIS**

  
...Thanks?  
**\- Storm, J**

  
You're welcome. Not only have I admitted you into the rather _alarming_ number of people allowed on the private server (and into the Avengers Sanctum), I have also given you the beta version of "Stark Jam".  
**\- Stark**

  
Wow. I'm _honored_.  
Wait, does it automatically give me the numbers of hot chicks?! Because _that_ would be _awesome!_  
**\- Storm, J**

Give it a rest, Horndog Torch. That...  
...Actually, JARVIS, file that one, I should revisit it when I'm bored.  
...Stark dating services... _Hmmm_...  
...  
Right, anyway!   
Stark Jam's an app that disrupts most electronic frequencies in a one hundred fifty-foot radius, give or take - _do NOT use it in my tower_ \--   
**\- Stark**

Wait, like... It'll make Reed's tech explode?!  
**\- Storm, J**

  
Disrupt, not _e_ rupt, moron.  
**\- Parker**  
  
  
Yeah, and speaking of 'rupting - interrupting is a big no-no around here, capische?  
But to answer your question: Yes. Yes, it will screw up Richards' shit.  
**\- Stark**

Wait a sec, since when are you Anti-Interruption Man? You _constantly_ interrupt everyone all th--  
**\- Parker**  
  
Any more questions about your fabulous new toy, Lava Lad?  
**\- Stark**  
  
  
I AM GOING TO USE THIS TO TAKE OUT REED'S SATELLITE RADIO RECEIVER  
**\- Storm, J**  
  


Heh.  
Okay, I like him. He's allowed to come over for supervised playdates with you, Beanpole.  
Especially if he screams like a prepubescent girl like he did this morning, because that is _premium_ blackmail material right there.  
**\- Stark**

THERE WERE ZOMBIE SKRULLS, STARK!  
**\- Storm, J**

Zombies showin' up when you don't expect them is a pretty legitimate reason to scream like a little girl.  
**\- Barton**

I didn't hear _you_ screaming.  
**\- Storm, J**

Key phrase there being "when you don't expect them."  
I always expect zombies.  
The skrulls were an unanticipated bonus, though.  
**\- Barton**

...I... What?  
**\- Storm, J**  
  


Zombies are kind of a given around here nowadays- well, I say zombies, but ours are more like... Twilight vampires without the sparkles, drama, and attraction to vapid Mary-Sue author inserts and shit.  
Except the stalking. They still do quite a bit of stalking.  
**\- Stark**

Yeah, they aren't nearly as angsty and... Artfully disheveled?  
Well, most of them aren't, anyway.  
Hjalmar's gone pretty hipster if you ask me.  
**\- Parker**

_What_  
**\- Storm, J**

Is he the one with the nose like a traffic cone?  
**\- Stark**

No, that's - traffic cone? _Really?_  
That's Hackett. Hjalmar's the one with the dreads and the scar across his face.  
**\- Parker**

  
Why do you have _zombies_ , and why do they have _names_?!  
**\- Storm, J**

  
Hey now, zombies are - well, _were_ \- people too, you know. And like Stark said; they're not Romero-esque zoms, they're the 'souls of the dead, given a semblance of mortal form through magic in exchange for their eternal service in the Army of Hel' sort of zombies.   
**\- Barton  
  
  
** Wow. Nice delivery. Very suave.  
**\- Parker**

Thanks, I try. Not often, though, because, y'know... Raised expectations are generally something I prefer to avoid.   
**\- Barton  
  
  
** Sound thinking, Katniss.  
**\- Stark  
**  
  
Okay, I'm still trying to figure out _WHY_  you have an  _Army of Zombie Hell Soldier_ when YOU'RE THE AVENGERS AND ZOMBIES ARE THE BAD GUYS THAT ARE APPARENTLY LITERALLY FROM HELL   
**\- Storm, J**

  
Okay, one, it's the Army of HEL, one L.  
Two, we've only got _good_ zombies. (Well, mostly good.) Mind blowing concept, I know, but there it is.  
Three, we really only host them when Hela's around, and even then it's just her guards, so it's only like six undead Norse dudes. Seven, tops.  
**\- Stark**

  
Hel...a..?  
**\- Storm, J**

  
Remember the lady in the long black hooded cloak and armor from earlier? That was Lady Hela Lokisdottir, Goddess of Death and Eternal Slumber, Queen of Helheim, Supreme Commander of the Army of the Dead-  
**\- Parker**

  
-and Girlfriend of Captain America.  
**\- Stark**

  
uhhhhhhhhhhhh  
**\- Storm, J  
  
  
** Yeah, and you thought having your sister's mostly ex boyfriend as your big bad was weird.   
**\- Parker**  
  
  
Ehh, that's still pretty weird, though.  
**\- Barton**  
  
  
It's totally weird. That'd be like if Barnes were still, ya know... The Soviet pseudostereotypical Zombie, but with super powers.  
**\- Stark  
  
**  
I dunno, I have a hard time picturing Natasha inviting the Soviet -pseudostereotypical or otherwise- Zombie over for Netflix and Chill.  
**\- Parker**  
  
  
Who said anything about _Natasha_?  
**\- Stark  
**  
  
[muffled voice from ceiling] **  
**  
  
Who said anything about _ex_?  
 **\- Barnes**  
  
  
[unintelligible vocalizations]  
**\- Storm, J  
**  
  
[yelling from the kitchen] **  
**  
  
EVERYTHING THEY'RE TELLING YOU IS A FILTHY LIE  
**\- Rogers  
  
  
** Mmm... We both know it's only a _partial_ lie, Steven.  
Knight to F3 - Your move, Doctor Banner.  
**\- Loki  
  
** [kitchen falls silent] **  
  
** [rec room falls silent] **  
**  
  
Wait, if it's... So that means...  
WHICH PART IS THE TRUTH?!  
**\- Stark**  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BTW, A doucheswizzle is, like, **twelve** times douche-ier than a douchenozzle.
> 
> This entire chapter, man. It was... Like I said, it wasn't supposed to have Johnny. It was _supposed_ to be Scott Lang, but I've been binge-watching Ultimate Spider-Man so _that_ was a thing, and then all the sudden my brain was like "Write about the Hel Zombies!" and I was like, "Nuh-uh you missed your chance, Halloween is over" and my brain was all, "You gotta".
> 
> And then there's Tony, who won't stop _bitching_ about Reed for some reason, and... 
> 
> I just took what I could get and ran with it.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~Also haha which part IS the truth even _I_ don't know hahaha I am such a _failure_ at planning ahead~~


End file.
